Blogs 801-900

Door / By
MICHEL VAN DER SANDEN

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Blog 900 – 16 oktober 2022
BLACK LILY!

Vandaag kondigde ik opnieuw Black Lily aan. De Rotterdamse Latin-Jazz band is het volgen waard. Als mc warmde ik de zaal op – zodat ze mijn ironische aanpak doorhadden – en ging over tot de introductie:

Black Lily’s album is er alleen digitaal. Vroeger zeiden ze: ‘Onze cd verkopen we na afloop bij de uitgang’. En iedereen koos de nooduitgang.
Op drums: Vasilys Charalampous. Uit Griekenland! Dus dat drumstel is gekocht met Europees geld. Graag gedaan! Vasily is 4e jaar conservatorium. En hij studeert heel toekomstgericht. Zijn hoofdvak is Horeca.
Dan Boris Oud op contrabas. Zijn ouders waren heel teleurgesteld, toen hij vertelde dat hij de muziek in ging. Ze hoopten dat hij de drugs in ging. Bas speelt enorm veel soorten muziek. Ik vroeg waarom hij op zijn hand schreef: ‘Latin American!!!’ Hij zei: ‘Anders speel ik 3 kwartier hardrock’.
Op piano: Peter Wenk. Een multi-talent: pianist, componist, zanger, arrangeur, leraar en hij speelt ongelofelijk slecht biljart. Peter was een tijd mijn pianoleraar. De eerste keer zei hij direct: ‘Je ziet eruit als een boekhouder’. En na drie jaar hard oefenen, zei hij: ‘Je speelt als een boekhouder’. Peter is specialist in Latin-American. Hij waarschuwde me voor Braziliaanse vrouwen. Hij zei: ‘Als ze lief en aardig is, geen probleem! Maar wil die Braziliaanse gelijk met je naar bed… dan is het een man’.
Het beste voor het laatst: Betty Pietersz. Als je zo’n mooie vrouw ziet, die zo geweldig zingt, dan denkt elke man maar aan één ding: ‘Kan ze koken?’ Betty werkt graag met kinderen. En wanneer zij zingt, vergeet iedereen de zorgen van het volwassen leven.
Dames en heren, Black Lily!

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Blog 899 – October 15, 2022
ANIMALS DON’T LIKE ME!

One more brainstorm in Dangerfield’s style on a dramatic premise.

I tell ya, animals don’t like me:

– The mice in my kitchen, they don’t walk into mice traps, they throw themselves in!
– I got a parrot. I walk in the room, he makes the sound of an air raid alarm.
– In my house, the cockroaches, I found them searching for the Lysol!
– I try to feed the pigeons in the park. They pretend to be on a diet.
– I sat front row in a dolphin show, the dolphin drowned himself.
– As a kid, for 15 years, I had a turtle. Never showed his face!
– A dog tried to hump my leg. Couldn’t get a hard on!
– A mosquito stung me. Then he threw up.
– I had a taper worm. It died of anorexia!

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Blog 898 – 13 oktober 2022
AMALIA IN HET VIZIER

Wat lezen we nu? Onze knuffelprinses Amalia woont niet meer in Amsterdam. Ik dacht het al! Vanmorgen liep ik door de hoofdstad, en er stonden op de stoeprand verdacht weinig lege flessen prosecco.
De georganiseerde misdaad zou aan ontvoering denken. Serieus? Wat heb je nodig als je haar transporteert? Een kleine vrachtwagen!
Ze woont niet meer in het studentenhuis. Haar huisgenoten merkten dat bij het ontbijt. De ijskast was een keer niet leeg.
Koningin Máxima zei dat haar dochter het huis niet uit kon, en dat had consequenties voor haar leven. Klopt, Miss Argentinië, de rest van Holland noemde dat ooit lock-down.
Wie weet nog wat Amalia studeerde in Amsterdam? Iets van geschiedenis, politicologie én koken. Ze kwam maar bij één op de drie colleges opdagen.
Vind je niet dat ze veel lijkt op haar vader? Dus haar eerste vriendje zal zijn een gast: blond, simpel, en uit een post nationaal-socialistisch gezin. Niet afhaken! Overgrootvader Bernard was ook half Argentijn.
Maar even serieus, triest dat criminelen op onze kroonblondine azen. Laat haar wat lol hebben voor ze koningin wordt! Willem heette in zijn studententijd ‘Prins Pils’. Gun Amalia ook zoiets: ‘Prinses Aperol’!

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Blog 897 – 12 oktober 2022
KOPPEN GESNELD

Je hebt ‘t gemist! Michel suist de krantenkoppen af en voorziet ze van kloek commentaar. Het begon toen webkranten de leestijd in minuten bij artikels zetten. Ik dacht: ‘Uit de heup reageren en wéér minuten levenstijd bespaard!’

– 1,2 miljoen herhaal-Corona-prikken gezet.
Natuurlijk! Elke hoogbejaarde draaft graag op voor wat persoonlijke aandacht.
– Serie ‘The Bear’ doet denken aan ‘The Sopranos’.
Dus: laag-IQ, vulgaire types met amper morele waarden, graag bekeken door hoger-IQ, brave types met bourgeois waarden?
– Programma ‘Spoorloos’ koppelde geadopteerden aan verkeerde ouders.
Wat dan nog? De meeste kinderen zitten bij verkeerde ouders.
– Wat is met de energieprijzen goedkoper: een elektrische of benzineauto?
Het goedkoopste is een Uber. Jij komt waar je wil en de chauffeur kan er niet van leven.
– Hoe wen je deze winter aan lagere kamertemperatuur?
Mijn vrouw en ik gaan eerder naar bed. Daar vriest het al jaren.
– Bacteriën in de darmen van leverpatiënten maken zelf alcohol.
Binnenkort: Gall & Gall verkoopt bacteriën!
– Pensioenverlaging dreigt voor honderdduizenden.
Jongens, waarom halen jullie nog die Corona-booster?
– Waar op te letten als je paddenstoelen gaat eten.
Word je níet stoned, dan was het totále tijdverspilling.

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Blog 896 – October 11, 2022
WATER AND PARACHUTES

Walking through town with some Americans, I was asked, “Is the Netherlands surrounded on all sides by water?” You know me. I answered, “No, just from above.”
We spoke about the Jewish influence on Amsterdam humor, and I gave a sample of a Jewish witz. Also published in Blog 345, but this version is better:
Two Jewish friends go parachute jumping. Just out of the plane, one realizes he forgot his parachute! He says to his friend, “Give me yours, and I’ll write you a check of $1 million.“ That’s an offer his friend cannot refuse. So moments later, that guy is holding a check, and then says, “I think I made a mistake…” The other one replies, “No, no, no! You did the right thing. Firstly, you save the life of a friend. And secondly, you die a rich man!”
Hours later, in the train home, a man of about 30 sat down opposite me. He had a trimmed beard, and his hair was thinning. He looked at me slightly too long. I thought, “Is he thinking – seeing a man with less hair than an ostrich egg, and a beard white as cocaine, – “Is that is how I will look like one day?“ In my mind, I answered his question, “Don’t worry, hair doesn’t count. I’m 64, and yesterday a 27-year-old woman thought I was 52. And that’s under the 55-year threshold. The limit for any woman under 30 to have sex with.”
Now, you readers will wonder, “Michel, why on earth did you say to that 27-year-old, ‘Sorry, I have to home to my wife and child. Have a great evening.’ ”
Well, sometimes at the age of 64, the only thing you dream of having between the sheets, is a well deserved shut-eye.

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Blog 895 – October 10, 2022
BRAZIL!

Today in Amsterdam, I met some Brazilians. Obviously, I threw in some jokes. Then I learned, wiping out the Amazon rainforest, also wipes out your sense of humor. You come with a punchline, they stand so motionless, you’d think, “Are they still breathing?”
They were two couples. The guys passed 70, the ladies above 40. You know me. I asked, “Just out of curiosity, what do you do with a trophy wife when she’s hitting 50?” The men answered, “Do not speak so fast, please.” So I spoke less fast, they walked tediously slow, hence, the time for small talk approached freezing point. It wasn’t a problem. Brazilians have no concept of freezing.
We strolled by the Anne Frank house, currently hidden under scaffolding. My friends from São Paulo informed why it was being renovated. I said, “Well, not because she’s coming home.” Indeed, dear readers, the energy I was putting in Brazilian jokes diminished by the minute.
By the way, if Anne survived the war, she’d be walking through Amsterdam as a lady of 94! And she’d be thinking, “I wrote a damn good diary. It could have been a bestseller, if it only had the drama ingredient: me dying.”
One of the men used to export fruit to the harbor of Rotterdam. I told him, importing fruit brings unwanted additives. He said, “Fruit flies?” “No,” I answered, “cocaine.”
He mentioned the Portuguese robbing Brazil from the Dutch. I said, “So since then, you guys eat sardines instead of haring! No wonder, Brazilians measure max five foot two.” I realized, I shouldn’t be so harsh on the southerns. It’s only because Brazil was our colony, we the Dutch know how to play soccer!

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Blog 894 – October 8, 2022
RANDOMS

The elevator on its way down stopped for me. There was one man inside. Jokingly, I said, “Pardon me for delaying you 8 seconds. Charge me what that means to you. Here’s my card.” I received an invoice for $8,000. It was Jeff Bezos.

In school, as a second language, I choose “female.” Half of the population speaks it, and to the other half it’s Greek.

At birth, I was diagnosed with the Syndrome of Up. My intelligence would top at the age of seven, but I would have a thin neck.

In Beijing, I had a meal made with dog meat. It was too much, so I asked the waiter for a “human bag.”

A friend of mine adored the sound of a chimney fire. When he passed away, I played that at his cremation.

In Amsterdam, if tourists show me a city map and ask where they are, I tell them, “This is Brussels. Why did you believe the Captain, when he said, ‘We’re about to land in Amsterdam’?“

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Blog 893 – October 7, 2022
RODNEY & CLOWNS

What does a stand-up comedian need for a new bit? A brief, pointy, and intriguing set-up. The following is totally in one of my favorite comedians style. Of course, we’re talking about Rodney Dangerfield. He never had this start, but if you know him, you know he could’ve! Here we go…

I come from a violent family…
– At baby showers, your relatives didn’t give presents. They said, “I give this kid 14 years.”
– My little sister was bullied all the time. She was the only one without a broken nose.
– When the table was set, there were just forks. Everyone brought his own knife.
– We kids weren’t punished when using a indecent word. We were duck taped.
– And we were poor too. My father couldn’t afford a leather belt to whip me.
– As a kid, I didn’t get braces. My cousin Vinni knocked my teeth straight.
– We never had a “hit-and-run.” We’d had a “hit-and-let’s-have-a-look!”
– For Christmas, my father would kill a turkey, with a baseball bat.
– In front of the court of justice, we had a private parking lot.

And my favorite, but no one in The Netherlands gets this one:
– At fun fairs, we didn’t play “Drown The Clown,” we’d drown the clown.

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Blog 892 – October 6, 2022
TOUPEES & RACISM

I used to be a reverse artist. I’d buy paintings, scrape the paint off, and exhibited the empty canvasses. Art critics struggled to deceiver my motives, artists sent me death treats.

Some people have hay fever. I have hay fracture. If I smell a pollen, I break my nose.

I flew Business Class, when suddenly the oxygen masks came down. I asked the stewardess if we got the same oxygen as Economy. She said, “Yes, and after we’ve crashed, I’ll hand you a complaint form.”

I was só happy to hear 70ies fashion was back. I immediately got my toupees out.

I went to an “American” party. Some brought wine, others salad. I brought institutionalized racism.

You gotta respect your parents. Nobody told me that when I was a fetus.

I dreamed I stood for heavens’ gates. Petrus declined me entry, for I forgot to book online.

My sister had an abortion. I asked, “Suppose he looked like Einstein?” She said, “Suppose he’d look like his uncle?”

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Blog 891 – October 5, 2022
BALL SACKS & CLEAN-EX

If you ask me, vasectomy was invented by a guy shaving his ball sack.

My dentist told me my retracting gum was like getting wrinkles. I think she was trying to sell me Botox.

Kids of 16 have no interest in the Ukrainian war. The Avengers are not involved.

Lenin died of syphilis. So thé way to fight communism is condoms.

At my age, I still use Clean-Ex tissues after sex. To wipe off my tears.

When I buy shoes online, I order three pairs size 8,5. That is my size, but I just like the luxury feel of sending pairs back.

Privileges are on the way out, so when is it over that being well-dressed is a gay thing?

A friend invited me to her wedding. “No dress code.” I came dressed like the man she would rather have married.

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Blog 890 – October 4, 2022
WOMEN & JEWS

In Paris, I got myself in trouble. I looked at the grave of the Unknown Soldier. A guard asked if I respected the man. I said, “Why should I? Never heard of him.”

At old age, I hope I’ll be deaf. I won’t hear that voice in my head telling me to behave. Then I’ll go absolutely wild.

To have a woman consent with sex, you gotta talk smart. Future generations will have ugly fathers, but they were amazing debaters.

The swimming pool in my neighborhood hired a pedophile as a lifeguard. They said, “We liked a guy who rather die than let a kid drown!”

In Egypt, I hired a tour guide. He asked me why the pyramids had sloped sides. I replied, “Against the rain.” He said, “4000 years ago, this was a desert.“ I said, “Were you there?” He gave his fee back.

It’s Yom Kippur. That’s Hebrew for, “Today less missiles on the Gaza Strip.”

You know why there a no Palestinian demolition companies? You want your house been torn down? Throw some rocks at Israelis.

Don’t get me wrong! I love Jews! They are the only ones I believe when they say my jokes suck.

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Blog 889 – 3 oktober 2022
BOTOX & STOFZUIGERS

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Blog 888 – October 2, 2022
PANCAKES & MODERN ART

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Blog 887 – 29 september 2022
EENZAAM MAAR NIET FUCKING ALLEEN

Weer in het nieuws: de eenzaamheid in ons land. Mensen, maak van die ‘handicap’ je passie, van je lot je lol. Beter tof alleen, dan kolere samen. Onze Top 10 Eenzaam Is Het Nieuwe Zwart.

10. Zet in de bioscoop een luidruchtige vibrator aan. Komt er commentaar, bijt terug met: ‘Stoppen jullie dan met dat gore gezoen?’
9. Eet van papieren bordjes met plastic bestek. Zeg tegen jezelf: ‘Doe jij even de afwas?’ Wegflikkeren en klaar!
8. Mail de klantenservice van Pornhub. Informeer waar je 2 miljoen Airmiles blijven.
7. Vraagt je huisarts: ‘Wat scheelt er?’, antwoord: ‘Volgens mij heb ik géén geslachtsziekte’. Kijkt hij verbaasd, sta op en zeg: ‘Dat bedoel ik dus’.
6. Koop condooms bij de Etos. Neem een baseballknuppel mee. Wil de caissière weten waar die voor is, antwoord: ‘De vorige keer toen ik condooms kocht, moest een collega van je lachen’.
5. Mannen: scheer nooit meer je balzak. Dames: koop alleen nog slipjes bij Zeeman.
4. Vraagt een collega op vrijdag: ‘Plannen voor ‘t weekend?’, antwoord: ‘Ja, ik doe een workshop Koken met Cyaankali’.
3. Kijk voor de 27e keer Cast Away met Tom Hanks, eenzaam op een eiland. Natuurlijk afzetten op het moment dat hij gevonden wordt.
2. Een monteur van Mediamarkt komt voorbij. Zeg direct: ‘Wat heb jij een kutbaan! De hele dag mensen zien!’
En op 1. Draag een T-shirt met: 1 Million Times Swiped Left on Tinder and Fucking Proud!

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Blog 886 – September 28, 2022
REGULAR CHECK UP

You know me, I aspire to let the light of humor shine over places of pain and agony. And it works! My marriage is lasting 27 years.
Actually, I am referring to this morning’s experience at my dentist, as promised yesterday.
On entering, I learned the lady in white I was facing, replaced my regular dentist. She introduced herself, “Jia Qiang is on a holiday. My name is Fai Yong Chi.” I asked, “Is that Chinese for Joseph Mengele?” Don’t get me wrong! I was just trying to break the ice!
Actually, she did great, but her sense of humor was frugal. Just having finished removed a pound of plaque, she said, “You can now flush.” I said, “Flush? This is the moment when stewardesses hand me a bag.”
Her assistant was equally guided by too much professionalism. At one moment, she said, “Please breathe through your nose.” I said, “I got you! Put the cocaine on the invoice.”
All good things must end, but a comedian’s day is never done. As I was putting on my coat, she said, “You should floss better. I found a piece of parsley between your teeth.” I said, “Last time I ate parsley, was on my birthday.” She asked, “You had your birthday recently?” “No,” I replied, “Who’s talking about this year?”

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Blog 885 – September 27, 2022
ARCHITECTURE & ARCHEOLOGY

So an Australian guy is staying in one of the famous ‘Cube’ houses in Rotterdam. Two young ladies are interested how these look from the inside. They follow him to his room! I ask him, “What was your pickup line? ‘You girls love architecture? Check out my crooked walls!’” He said, “You can do the same! Perhaps in your case, say, ‘Are you ladies into archeology?’ ”
Talking about archeology, tomorrow a professional will be looking at my teeth. Last time, my dentist wore a plastic face mask. Very practical! During drilling, it got hit by pieces, I’d been looking for since 1992.
She’s Chinese, so under that plastic thing, there are a mouth cap, goggles, and ears plugs in her nose. But I love her, to flush your mouth, you get rice wine. (Is that stereotyping? Come on! Her small talk starts with, “M. Van der Sanden, ate some good cheese lately?”) And she is totally committed. I mean, the way she fills my filings with fillings!
As you know, I’m a sort of old-school. And do not say, “Michel, did you have in school a reading list? Printing wasn’t yet invented!” What I mean is, my first fillings were metal. This was before cable TV. To have a good reception, my parents had me bite the antenna.
One time, the fillings in my upper and lower jaw were magnetic. Couldn’t open my mouth for three years.
My parents, they didn’t have the money for good metal. I flushed with anti rust!
But it made me stand out. My friends chewed gum, I chewed staples.
I’ll report how the visit to my Chinese friend went. To be continued!

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Blog 884 – September 26, 2022
TITS’RE OUT

– Good morning, Breast Removal Clinic Tits’re Out. I’m Sharon, how can I help you?
– Hi, I’m Susan.
– Susan, great that you call! You want ‘m removed?
– This is going very fast. I have some issues with my sexual identity. Friends say I might be trans…
– Susan, thousands of teenagers like you want to dispose of these career stoppers.
– Excuse me?
– You know what I mean. You’re on a job interview, you want to be hired for your A-level resume, they hire you for your D-cup.
– I see. By the way, I’m not a teenager. My voice sounds young, but I’m 26.
– Don’t worry! We deal with voice issues as well. For €2,000 per month, in half a year, you’ll sound like Barry White having a cold. Susan, the line is very unclear, can you call back?
– Sure, no problem. –Click–
– Good morning. Breast Enlargement Clinic Tits’ Boost. I’m Sharon, how can I help you?
– My name is Susan. Did I dial a wrong number?
– Oh, hi, I picked up the wrong phone. We have two clinics. Susan, what size do you have?
– A D-cup.
– Lucky you! If we’ll remove them, you get a discount! Our enlargement unit is screaming for D’s.
– To do what with?
– To help women enter the better part of their life. What we remove on first floor, we sew on on the second.
– So I’ll be a sort of breast donor?
– Listen, the good news is: for a removal we grant you a discount on restoration in the future.
– Restoration? This is a serious issue.
– Of course! Anything serious now, is fashion in 10 years. Look, in a decade, you’ll be bringing your kids to kindergarten, and it’s no fun if a staff member says, “You got lovely kids, Sir.” But do not doubt us. We totally respect trans matters.
– Because?
– Doing nose jobs got boring.

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Blog 883 – September 25, 2022
UNWOKE JOKES

This afternoon, I walk into a ticket sales office of the Dutch railway. Two ladies behind tellers look at me, and wonder whom of them I will approach. I experienced this before, so from my comedian’s memory I immediately say, “What a difficult choice! You’re both beautiful!” It produced a convincing smile. I go to the woman closest to me. Amused, she said, “Yes, choosing is difficult.“ I replied, “Tell me! I’ve made only one bad choice in my life, and that’s now around my ring finger.” They had a good laugh.
The comedians among my readers may say, “That’s a tacky joke!” Sure, my friends! But demonstrate us how you get such wage-laborers at the end of a working day laughing within seconds.
Anyway, hours earlier, I was a touring host to some 26 Americans. As we waited for transport, I informed them the driver was Polish. When it took long for him to arrive, I said, “Our driver just texted me, he is west of Warsaw.” My group had a good laugh, which assured me, there are always people – like the railway ladies – just out for a laugh, to which the ‘wokeness’ of a joke is utterly irrelevant.

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Blog 882 – September 19, 2022
BLOODY ENERGY PRICES!

Energy is on everybody’s mind. For instance, this afternoon, I go to my gym, dive in the pool, it’s stone-cold! I shout to a staff member, “What the hell is this?” He replies, “Sorry, sir. We only heat the left side of the pool.” What do you do?
After a refreshing swim, I sat in the Turkish bath. A lady walks in. There’s steam all around, I’m not wearing my glasses, but I think it’s a lady. She has a tattoo 4 inches under her bellybutton saying, “The Buck Stops Here.” She picks up a sweeper and cleans one of the seats. I say, “Thank you, I was just sitting there.” She must have been preoccupied with the energy crisis, because after that, no small talk was possible. I get up, and when I leave a room with people, I say something. Since we dwelled there in extreme silence, all I could up with was, “Have a nice day, it was nice sweating with you.” I know, it’s hilarious.
Talking about having a sense of humor, I went home through the park. I saw a guy and his dog. The animal had just done his thing, but they walked on. I asked the man, “Why don’t you pick up after your dog?” He replied, “I have enough shit at home.”
Makes me think of yesterday. I was touring Americans through Amsterdam. Someone advised a book to read. I said, “I gotta write that down! My memory is as good as my marriage.” They had a great laugh, and I thought, “A classic joke is a joy forever.”
Now, I know you’re about to say, “Michel, where’s the message in all of this? You started about energy!” Totally correct, dear readers. (Or maybe today, dear reader.) I close with a tip to save energy: Having sex? Do it in pitch dark. It must be great! Since 27 years, it’s the only way my wife likes it.

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Blog 881 – September 16, 2022
THE INSTAGRAM FACTOR

What the news presented and how we on Instagram reacted.

­– Gorbachev may not get state funeral.
Who cares? He got the greatest monument of any Soviet leader: a fallen wall in Berlin.
– Polling shows US voters favor climate bills.
Quite a change in the “Home of The Free to Pollute!”
– Athens cheapest for city trips.
I don’t need to go there. I’ve been to the British Museum!
– Saudi Arabia bets $1 trillion to become next tourist hotspot.
“See Camel Races, Pristine Deserts, Live Executions!”
– Israel’s says its soldier likely killed Al Jazeera reporter in error.
“He thought it was an everyday Palestinian!”
– Russia buys rockets from North Korea, US intelligence says.
We know ’m! Those that land amazingly good in the ocean!
– Intelligent toaster among this years UK inventions.
“Hey dude, your toast is ready and put the garbage out!”
– Painter Bazelitz, “Women just don’t paint that well”.
Female artists, “Now we know why use called ‘Entartet’!”
– European gas prices likely to fall sharply this winter, says Goldman Sachs.
Great! But with global warming, what winter?
– Eight-hour queue to see coffin of the Queen.
Can’t you book a time slot on Internet? Hello! It’s 2022!

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Blog 880 – 14 september 2022
DE HALLO-FACTOR

Je kent de Hallo-factor? Dat is iets horen, waarvan je denkt: ‘Serieus? Krijgt een mediapersoon daar salaris voor?’ Oké, van ‘n salaris kun je geen energie betalen, maar voor je goed fatsoen wel één Happy lunch overslaan! Voor de jeugd: een Happy Lunch is bij een zakelijk middageten tegen de ober zeggen net vóór hij het menu uitlegt, dat je op een dieet bent en het houdt bij een Manhattan. Voor de niet-drinkende Gen-Z’s (0.0 schijnt het helemaal te zijn voor die gasten. Sorry, smeltende gletsjers is natuurlijk kut, maar om daarom aan het wortelsap te gaan?) Een Manhattan is een cocktail van vóór de tijd dat Bols zich verkocht gemixt met fruitsap is een flesje. Jullie zijn er nog? Fantastisch, daar gaan we: Je denkt ‘Hallo’ als je leest…

– Europese Commissie wil verbod op producten onder dwang gemaakt, als in Chinese strafkampen.
Ik was even bang dat er een verbod kwam op Europese lopende banden!
– Op de FvD-school worden leerlingen teruggeworpen in de tijd.
Gaan ze door het bos marcheren en noemen ze zich Baudet Jugend?
– Hongarije scherpt abortuswetgeving aan: eerst verplicht naar hartslag foetus luisteren.
Doen we die abortus toch 20 seconden later!
– Rutte naar Suriname, maar geen excuses voor slavernij.
Het was ook maar ‘Involuntary Relocation’.
– Onze krijgsmacht kan leren van Oekraïne.
1. Kies een comedian als staatshoofd (Wij zitten al 12 jaar met een zonder humor); 2. Laat je materieel door Europa en de VS doneren (De bijnaam van het Hollands wapentuig is ‘kringloop’.); en 3. Stuur honderdduizenden van je burgers weg als vluchteling. De helft vindt het elders beter en zie je niet terug.
– Wetenschappers ontdekken hoe huilende baby’s het best in slaap te krijgen.
Wetenschap is dus wat oma al 500 jaar wist.

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Blog 879 – September 13, 2022
THE WORLD IS DAZZLING!

Yesterday I talked about saving energy. My wife took it seriously: she no longer uses the extractor hood when cooking. Today, she was making sauerkraut. Complaints came from Warsaw.
We zap through the news from around the world, alphabetically. And don’t ask, “Did you make sure the last joke was the best?”

– Armenia: 49 killed in clashes with Azerbaijan.
Jesus, Ukraine is still at war! Can’t you guys wait your turn?!
– China: pork prices rose 22.5% in a month.
Excuse me, if hyperinflation even hitting those on Putin’s side!?
– France: film director Jean-Luc Godard (91) passes away.
Damn! He was the only exception to the rule that all my lifes’ heroes were dead.
– Hungary: abortion access tightened due to fetal heartbeat-rule.
That’s what you get from a government without a heartbeat.
– North Korea: Mystery over new woman in Kim inner circle.
Well, it’s no mystery the lady has bad taste.
– Saudi Arabia: Plans unveiled for 106-mile-long vertical city.
The sky’s the limit, if you’re unbothered by human rights.
– Serbia: staging of EuroPride banned at late notice.
Surprise, surprise! The first notice of Serbia hating gays was in 1013.
– Ukraine pressures Germany to deliver more military hardware.
Berlin responds, “Sorry, we’re still recovering from knocking Russia out of Ukraine in ‘42.”
– USA: John Lennon’s killer denied parole for 12th time.
Him being released? Image…

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Blog 878 – 12 september 2022
TOP 10 ENERGIE BESPAAR TIPS

In de mail een rekening: € 880. Je denkt: boete voor het overrijden van 4 provinciaalse kleuters? Nagekomen factuur voor met mobile data op een vakantiestrand naar porno kijken? UNESCO die me dankt voor het redden van 880 Somalisches van besneden worden? Nee, de elektriciteitskosten van afgelopen weekend! Vrienden, stroom loopt de spuigaten uit. Hier onze Top 10 Tips Besparen op Electro:

10. Er zijn twee totaal niet-democratische grootmachten die leuk doen, maar alleen op verrijking van hun elite uit zijn. Kies voor die waar je géén energiegezeik mee krijgt. Ga voor Putin.
9. Wat doet Saoedi-Arabië? Geen idee, de kranten lopen vol over een overleden Engelse hoogbejaarde. Laat je Tesla ombouwen naar diesel.
8. Weg met die strijkbout! Kreukels zijn het nieuwe black. Tegen wie je vreemd aankijkt, zeg gewoon: ‘Strijk jij nog? OMG! Door jou stijgt de zeespiegel!’
7. Huur een volkstuin, zet die vol zonnepanelen. Vraagt een buurman: ‘Wat is mis aan groente verbouwen?’, antwoord: ‘Groente is het nieuwe vlees, niet aan mijn lijf!’
6. Thank you, Climate Change! Leg half september je boterhammen in de zon en breng die toaster naar de kringloop.
5. Stap ‘s morgens in de Sprinter. Sluit je laptop aan het stopcontact onder je zitting. Stap om 18 uur uit. De check-out zegt: ‘Reis geannuleerd’. Geen treinkosten & een werkdag gratis stroom.
4. Licht uit, sfeerkaarsen aan. Scheelt liters stroom en het lijkt net of er weer sfeer komt in je relatie.
3. Een windmolen in je tuin! Klaagt de buurt, repliceer: ‘Sorry! Voor elke kilowatt die jullie verbruiken, gaat er één Uyghur naar een Chinees concentratiekamp!’
2. Exit breedbeeld-tv. Een vriend vraagt of je iets op tv zag, zeg hem dat je die avond Nederlands leerde aan uitgeprocedeerden.
En op 1. Doe het licht uit als je met een date seks hebt. De volgende ochtend kijk je toch altijd naast je en denkt: ‘Dit herinner ik me heel anders’.

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Blog 877 – 11 september 2022
HOEZO VERMIST?

Scene 39 – Stationsgebouw, een balie met erboven ‘Gevonden voorwerpen’, erachter een jonge NS-medewerker. Voor hem verschijnt een MAN, in de 50 en gestresst.

NS: Ja, kan ik voor u doen?
MAN: Ik wil een vermissing melden.
NS: [ Pakt een formulier.] Een laptop, paraplu?
MAN: Mijn echtgenote.
NS: …Uw echtgenote?
MAN: Correct, ik stap hier uit, en zij is weg.
NS: Dat is een probleem?
MAN: Mijn vrouw is geen laptop.
NS: Aangifte Vermissing Object is wél een stuk eenvoudiger. Laatst was een stel hun baby kwijt. Ik zeg: ‘Een nieuwe maken gaat sneller’.
MAN: Ja, reuze geestig. Mijn vrouw dus, ze is midden vijftig, conventioneel gekleed.
NS: En die wilt u terug? U kent ‘bindingsangst’?
MAN: Pardon?
NS: U heeft ‘ontbindingsangst’. Uw naam?
MAN: Van Woerden.
NS: [ Typt iets in op een computer. ] Ik zie in de computer dat geen mevrouw Van Woerden aangifte heeft gedaan van vermissing echtgenoot. De paniek lijkt me eenzijdig.
MAN: Luister, wij zijn 30 jaar gelukkig getrouwd.
NS: Nee, nee, nee, 2 jaar geluk, 28 jaar routine.
MAN: Is dit Gevonden Voorwerpen of Relatietherapie?
NS: Heeft u haar al gebeld?
MAN: Ze neemt niet op.
NS: Daar gaan we al. Lees de signalen, meneer Van Woerden.
MAN: Nou, we waren onderweg naar een museum en ze nam 2 koffers met kleren mee.
NS: Zullen we die aangifte maar vergeten? [ Tegen een VROUW die achter de MAN is komen staan. ] Kan ik u helpen?
VROUW: Ja, ik ben mijn man kwijtgeraakt in de trein.
MAN: Had hij twee koffers bij zich?
VROUW: Nu u het zegt!
NS: Zeg, als jullie samen eens koffie gaan drinken, kan er iets moois uitkomen.
MAN: Geloof ‘m maar. Hij is therapeut. [ Hij opent de deur voor de VROUW. ]
VROUW: [ Loopt iets verbaasd mee.] Ik ben Sylvia.
MAN: Zo heet mijn vrouw ook.
NS: Zijn vorige vrouw! [ Maakt naar MAN een gebaar van: ‘Wat doe je nu?’ ]
MAN en VROUW kijken elkaar glimlachend aan en EXIT. Na enkele seconden komen een VROUW 2 en MAN 2 binnen, beiden hebben in elke hand een koffer.
VROUW 2: Ik ben mijn man kwijt.
MAN 2: En ik mijn vrouw.
NS: O, fuck!

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Blog 876 – September 9, 2022
LONG LIVED THE QUEEN!

Only yesterday I told this joke, “In Holland, a king or queen can retire him- or herself. But in the UK, you have to stay on the throne till you’re a 125. And we got to admit: Elisabeth is doing great!” Yes, last time I made that one!
So Charles is King, at 73. A promotion in your 70ies? Most people of that age are awarded at best a bypass. Another thing, it’s 25 years ago Princess Diana got killed. I guarantee you, many will remember when Elisabeth died, ”25 year after Diana.”
You think she postponed her departure until covid was over? I can image her saying, “My funeral will not be a Zoom-meeting!”
We’ll see Willem-Alexander and Maximà at the funeral. And Willem will not have to feign he’s saddened. His natural demeanor is “corners of mouth down.” Two is enough, they’ll leave Amalia home. She started studying in Amsterdam. A good thing she can skip this event, she’s probably too drunk.
But let’s return to the UK. How about ERII’s will? Will she leave her hunting rifles to the Animal Front? Are her decades of wardrobes heading for the British Museum, or do Ukrainian refugees make a chance? And her personal medical staff, will those not from the UK, now be requested to leave for wherever they came from, Poland, Slovenia, you name it?
And obviously, there’ll be an addition to Netflix’s The Crown. The Queen entering though Heaven’s Gates. God in person is there to great her. As she reaches Him her hand, Elisabeth asks, “I’m delighted to meet You. Tell me, how long have you been God?”

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Blog 875 – September 7, 2022
SNACKS & STAND-UP

Today I was in the Jordaan, touring tourists from all across the world. It was a ‘food’-tour. A lady was trying to grab a piece of haring, slipping away. She said, “I’ll get that slimy bastard!” I asked, “You mean your husband?” (A true quote. She was in for a laugh.)
Also participating was a handsome couple from Hanover. The city where they speak the most perfect German. Seriously, their German was better than my Dutch. They were filming for their YouTube channel. I was asked if, at the end, I wanted to do a short stand-up. This is what I came up with:
“I’ve been doing food tours for a while. A lot of the participants from the US, and you know Americans! So I’m thinking of introducing something new: Diet Tours. “On your left, a cheese store, visualize cheese, and cross the road. Here’s a pastry store, think of bypasses and keep going. Have I told you about succulent Dutch apple pie? Sorry Susan, it was a rhetorical question. You do 40 squats!”
In March, I had a Ukrainian participant. A wonderful lady from Kiev, so I said, “Ukraine! The ‘Breadbasket of Europe!’ I bought a pack of your flour last week. The packaging said, “This product may contain traces of blown up Russian Conscripts.” Guess what, she didn’t laugh. I know what you’re thinking, “Women!” But then, no one in the group laughed! I looked around and said to her, “This is what we comedians call ‘bombing,’ but being from Kiev, you know all about that.”
Anyway, she was totally sweet, promised to write a review. I didn’t know what she wrote, but for four months, I only got tourists from Russia! And what I learned, they’re great tippers! I got €4000 Rubles! That’s about 4 euros. Thanks, Miss Kiev!

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Blog 874 – September 6, 2022
THE HAGUE, THE ROUGH TOUR

So this afternoon I was touring through The Hague, with a totally lovely colleague, (Can’t say that nowadays. It’s not woke, it’s sexist and disrespectful, whatever), a group of 29 kids between 15 & 18. Extremely confusing for an 35-plusser like me! The 15-year-old looked like they’re 18. The 18-year-old looked like 13, and they all looked like they were virgins, which is – in my view – ridiculous and in this case probably true. An accompanying teacher told us, “Among the 29, there is only a single boy.” I pointed at one and said, “I like his outfit” The teacher said, “That’s not him.” It should have been a wake-up call for me, but at 12:30, I wasn’t still quite awake. I had had only one Ice Coffee Latte, or, as I call them, a White Russian, but still. You know me, tolerance is my middle name, but I think at 15, as a girl you should have a problem with acne, not with having breasts.
We were about to enter the Royal Garden, via an entrance where you have to ring a bell. I said to the kids, “The king has seen us through that camera. He will let us in. He likes young girls.” As we entered, the boy-slash-girl snapped, “That was not funny at all.” Oops! Dilemma! If this was only a stand-up stage, I could easily have countered, “What’s your problem? The King likes you too. He’s bisexual.” But today, that was a No-Can-Do.
At the end, the teacher thanked us and added, looking in my direction, that some of the jokes involving sex might have been somewhat over the top, regarding the fact, “These are still children.” I replied, “Pardon me? At 18, in Russia, you’re old enough to be blown in a tank. At 17, in Germany, you’re young enough to get a drinking problem. And being 16 in Sweden means it’s 4 years since, in a freezing lake, you lost your virginity. Besides that, I respect your point.“
Anyway, I enjoyed meeting that colleague, who was super client friendly, which is, as you know, not my middle name.

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Blog 873 – September 2, 2022
INSTAGRAM POINTS

Our selection of virtually daily posted, virtually daily funny reacting to news headlines.

– Drought hits China: Yangtze river dries up.
I know who’s laughing now: Nancy Pelosi!
– Research says: Your 40s are your unhappiest age.
So true! I’m going through that unhappiness already 1.5 times!
– Britons cut back on socializing as cost of living soars.
That sucks! Getting drunk together is socializing. On your own, it’s alcoholism.
– After 30 years: nostalgia for Good Ol’ Yugoslavia.
I bet, in 30 years, we love Putin!
– China burns coal and now faces scorching temperatures.
“It’s not global warming! It’s that animal market in Wuhan!”
– Man dies after falling into River Thames while being arrested.
He hit the ground?
– Nicole Kidman manages to look half her age.
If I’d manage that, I’d still look old.
– Plans for a ‘D-Day theme park’ leaked.
“Waiter! Why is there so much ketchup on my Omaha Beach Burger?”
– Gorbachev dies at 91.
His last words, “The promise by NATO not to extend to the East, I should’ve gotten that in writing!” (PS He didn’t.)

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Blog 872 – 1 september 2022
ALDI ZOALS WE ALDI NIET KENNEN

Ik heb een ALDI in de buurt en ik shop er met – je raadt het – een AH-tas. Sorry, ik ben huiseigenaar en met een tas van ALDI hier in de straat lopen is funest voor de waarde van je pand.
Waar het om gaat: bij ALDI schieten de prijzen omhoog! Wie koopt er? De onderbuik van Holland en die wordt nu in het kruis getrapt. (Tuurlijk, ook de slimmere verdiener shopt er. ALDI heeft roots in Duitsland, dus het vlees is er 2 keer zo goed als bij Appie, kost de helft van bij de Plus, en de koe had vier keer zoveel beleving toen zij oog in oog stond met een Roemeense productiemedewerker in het slachthuis.)
De Duitse grootgrutter zegt: ‘Mensen zullen extreem op koopjes jagen’. Klopt! Ik was er vandaag en overhoorde dit:
Mevrouw: Hallo, waar liggen de diepgevroren kalfsoesters?
Vakkenvuller: Bij het matig gevroren vlees. U begrijpt het: de energieprijzen. We moeten toch wat.
Mevrouw: Heb ik al gekeken. Ik wil die van 1,25, niet van 5,75. Ik ben Linda de Mol niet, qua inkomen dan.
Vakkenvuller: Tuurlijk, qua uiterlijk ook niet. Mevrouw, het is de inflatie. Van mijn loon, door de energiekosten, ik douche eens in de 4 maanden.
Mevrouw: Zo rook je altijd al. Luistert, wij willen betaalbaar kalf op ons bord. Maar jullie prijzen!? Ik heb mijn Tesla verkocht om te kunnen blijven roken. Wat is in de aanbieding?
Vakkenvuller: Terrasstoelen. Wie wil nog op het terras? De zomers zijn zo heftig, voor je tweede koffie heb je al huidkanker.
Mevrouw: Jakkes! Ik zag herenpyjama’s afgeprijsd?
Vakkenvuller: Klopt, ook zo’n loser! Welke man draagt nog een pyjama? Een T-shirt en slip van de Zeeman doen het ook.
Mevrouw: ‘t Is goed, jongen. Ik gaat wel voor rundergehakt, en een tip van mij: douche bij Fit 4 Free. Gewoon lid worden, niet voor de sport, maar voor de gratis douchegel. Doei!

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Blog 871 – August 31, 2022
END OF AUGUST REVELATIONS

There’s no proof in the Bible Adam wasn’t gay. He just didn’t have a choice.

My idea of a great evening out is going to a Bring-Your-Own-Wine restaurant, bring three bottles, order just one appetizer, and get seriously drunk.

My grandparent’s relationship started hopeless. They met offline.

I went to a philosopher’s gym. After an hour, I was sweating, and everything hurt. I’d read 90 pages of Schopenhauer.

I come from a poor family. My parents couldn’t afford a black and white TV. So they bought one which only had black.

There wouldn’t be a stigma about entering a home for the homeless, if you’d call them “Home for The Without Mortgages.”

An ice cream seller at the beach offered the flavor Sand. He said, “Kids drop their ice cream on the beach. With this taste, it makes no difference.”

I had sex with a porn actress. I asked, “Why are you looking around?” She said, “I’m hoping someone shouts ‘CUT’.”

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Blog 870 – August 30, 2022
IF I WERE GOOGLE

Here are the Top Ten Most Asked Questions in 2021 to Google. Ranging from app. 9.1 to 1.5 million times asked. Poor algorithms! Here are my answers:

1. What to watch?
   Watch the first line of a good book, then the second, and so on. Once finished, you are wiser. Then you don’t ask moron questions anymore.
2. Where’s my refund?
   Because you spend your nights on your PC trying to get tax money back, your refund is in your bedroom banging your wife.
3. How you like that?
   Weren’t that the last words of Adolf Hitler, seeing that Eva Braun was seconds quicker of killing herself?
4. What is my IP address?
   Ask that question again in North-Korean, and you know where your life savings are since 40 seconds ago.
5. How many ounces in a cup?
   It’s OK to ask it here, but never do that to a woman on a first date.
6. What time is it?
   Remember you wore a watch? Then you thought that wasn’t cool anymore. Now go fuck yourself!
7. How I met your mother?
   She was on the other side of your teenage condom.
8. How to screenshot on Mac?
   If you live in the US, use a semi-automatic assault rifle.
9. Where am I?
   No! Ask yourself: who am I? Then you come across as a philosopher, and not as a prick.
10. How to lose weight fast?
    Get an amputation.

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Blog 869 – August 29, 2022
EARLY AUTUMN THOUGHTS

There is a brand of bra’s called “Newton.” I get that. It is a product dealing with gravity.

The first time I heard about TripAdvisor, I thought it was a site advising what marijuana gets you the most stoned.

My kitchen got on fire. Firefighters put it out in only 10 minutes. Afterwards, they forgot to ask if there was anything else they could do for me. So I gave them only a 4-star review.

A firefighter told me, in his town, they do not climb trees to get cats out. “We just hose them off,” he said. “Really?” I answered, “then in your town, I wouldn’t like to stand on a roof attempting suicide.”

In a barista bar, there were no ‘Men’ or ‘Women’ bathrooms. It just said ‘Toilet’ on the doors. I respected that, so I left the toilet seat down. Dripping with urine, but still.

The iPhone 14 will soon be released, and I still have the iPhone 4. That feels like hearing a Volkswagen on hydrogen will be introduced, and you still drive the Adolf Hitler version.

In a Berlin café, I told a barman all comedians make jokes about Hitler. He replied, Germans could never do that. I said, “Too bad! It’s fun if you can make a joke.”

Once in a Paris restaurant, I had a romantic diner, and totally forgot about the time. I said, “I should catch the last metro home.” The French girl said, “It left an hour ago. All you can do, is come and sleep with me.” I said, “That sounds amazing! Shall we first split the bill?”

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Blog 868 – August 28, 2022
LATE SUMMER THOUGHTS

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Blog 867 – August 27, 2022
ENJOY YOUR BIRTHDAY!

Are you familiar with this rule-of-thumb? People consider it a good conversation, if they’re speaking 70% of the time. This afternoon, I did a private comedy tour for a lady, who was orgasmic. She spoke 270%. But she was lovely. (I know you guys, if I do not add something like that after the punch, you feel inhibited to experience natural amusement.) You might say, “Touring on your birthday! What commitment!” Well, I wanted to postpone it, but I couldn’t reach her. Her email was blocked: daughter.of@putin.ru. But seriously, she was Russian, and of the age of 64. Obviously, I asked how old she thought I was. She replied, “50.” So I asked, “Why do you go on a tour without your glasses?”
Then my friend-for-1.5-hours informed me Zelensky is selling donated weapons to Africa. It was all over the Russian newspapers. “Interesting,” I remarked, “We don’t read that in the West.” She cried, “Never trust the press!”
The afternoon was an experience, but hardly comic. E.g. in The Hague, I have the following joke, “This statue, it’s Willem II, who was gay, and he liked the city of Tilburg. That’s bizarre! Gays usually have great taste, and nobody of taste likes Tilburg.” But what do you do, if you get interrupted after the word “statue?” You think, “I’m working on my birthday, for 1.5 hours and 2 hours travel time, for a gross turnover of €18.50. Who am I to complain?” It’s called professionalism, and focussing on as soon as you get home, making yourself a White Russian.

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Blog 866 – 26 augustus 2022
FIJN DINING

Bij ons thuis koken mijn vrouw en mijn zoon. Ik sta culinair op non-actief sinds dat kind van ons ging mee-eten. Mijn ega zei: ‘Blijf jij maar uit de keuken. Het zou leuk zijn als dat ventje z’n 10e levensjaar haalt.’ Dat deed hij en nu staat hij geregeld aan het fornuis. Getraumatiseerd natuurlijk, want er komt ook Russisch gas uit. Hoe dan ook, ik kan dus alleen – zonder gevaar voor eigen leven – als we uit eten op de maaltijd kankeren. Oh, dat mag je niet meer zeggen! Wat nu? ‘Afzeiken’ is ook no-go. Dat is beledigend voor mensen met blaasproblemen. 
Vanavond eten we buiten de deur. Ik surf op ‘Fine Dining Rotterdam’. Dat is synoniem met ‘De laatste restaurants die nog personeel hebben’. Er was er een met Nederlandse wijn op de kaart. Zal wel global warming zijn dat nu kan. ‘Ja ober, doe maar een fles Chateau Stadskanaal.’ 
Het is mijn verjaardagsetentje. En ik denk altijd er jong uit te zien, maar vandaag zeg ik tegen een toerist: ‘Ik weet nog, toen in 7 jaar was…’ Hij antwoordt: ‘Dat herinner je je? Wat moet jij een geheugen hebben!” 
Ik kijk op het menu van de zaak waar we heen gaan. Er staat: Rund & Kaviaar: Fijn gesneden, tijgermelk & doperwt. Ik ga straks de ober een betere naam suggereren voor dat gerecht: ‘What The Fuck!?’ 
Ze hebben twee soorten oesters. Ik vroeg eens een ober waarom een oester zo veel kostte. Hij antwoordde: ‘Die spreekt Frans.’ Ik zei: ‘Als ik die bestel, en de bon gaat in mijn boekhouding, dat praat mijn accountant Duits tegen me’. We begrepen elkaar.
Ik ben morgen pas jarig, maar dan hebben partner en kroost al wat in de agenda. Geeft niks, ik vind wel wat in de koelkast. Er ligt nog een bakje Filet Americain. Dat mag wel eens op. Het praat ook al Frans.

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Blog 865 – August 25, 2022
MORE THAN ONE-LINERS

I had sex with a lawyer, specialist in divorce cases. Afterwards, I looked at her and said, “You’re thinking, ‘This is why marriages break up.’ ”

I hate “picking up after your dog.” This is what I do. I put my dog in a shopping bag, and walk around the block. Then I ask, “Are we done?” If so, I take my dog out, and bin the bag.

I took an Uber. I asked the driver what he did in the past. He said, “I had my dream job, but it became impossible to support a family! I was a taxi driver.”

If a conservative American says it’s good to restrict abortions, for “It prevents Einsteins to be born,”  I answer, “Since when do you like Jews?”

The only reason, in 1889, Adolf Hitler was born, was because the authorities just overturned Roe vs. Wade.

Research has proven, the more people like himself, the less crude jokes they make. As the comedian, I commentate, “Thank God for self-haters.”

In the 17th century, an Amsterdam company transported 13,000 Africans as slaves to the Americas. The company was called “Involuntary Relocation Inc.”

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Blog 864 – 24 augustus 2022
TER APEL EN WAAR HET OOK ALWEER LIGT

In opvangcentrum Ter Apel sliepen 700 man vannacht buiten. En we hebben het niet over een katholiek zomerkamp. De Heer had hier niets mee te doen, en er waren ook geen gevallen van kinderporno.
De Oekraïense vluchtelingen krijgen het om de oren. Russische granaten zijn bonbons vergeleken bij Hollandse bureaucratie. Nu zijn tenten en kampeerspullen verboden. Sorry, maar we sturen houwitsers naar het oosten. Ik zou zeggen: voor elk kanon naar het front, 5 Kip caravans voor Ter Apel. En dan je kampeerspulletjes in de kliko van de lokale agent? Hallo, het is augustus! Gebarbecuede kipvleugels zijn een mensenrecht! 
En er overleed een 3 maanden oude baby. Op NOS.nl lezen we: ‘Er heersten verdriet en onmacht. Passende ondersteuning wordt geboden.’ Nou, je weet wat hier het resultaat is van ‘passende ondersteuning’. Precies! Verdriet en onmacht.
Maar er is een personeelstekort. Ontevreden medewerkers stapten op. Mag ik raden waar die nu werken? Bij de NS. Die blijven morgenvroeg lekker in bed. 
Mensen liggen buiten omdat ze niet in de bus durven te stappen om elders te overnachten. Logisch! Ze overnachtten al in de metro van Kiev, dan breekt het zweet je uit moeten slapen in de Noord-Zuid lijn van de Amsterdamse Metro.
Dan is er grote achterstand bij de vreemdelingenpolitie voor het registreren en identificeren. Kan ik inkomen, typ je een Oost-Europese naam in als Dravisvlos, zegt je spelcorrector gelijk: ‘Bedoel je Draadjesvlees?’ En dat 200 keer per uur.
Trouwens, complimenten aan de honderden vrijwilligers! Zet je bijdrage op je CV. Straks bij een sollicitatie gesprek, komt de vraag: ‘Ben je een teamplayer? Kun je tegen stress?’ antwoord dan: ‘Hallo! Ter Apel! Daarbij vergeleken was Saving Privat Ryan een picknick’.

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Blog 863 – 23 augustus 2022
KOPPEN OM TE SKIPPEN

De beste krantenartikelen zijn die je niet leest. Oké, kom maar terug met: ‘De beste vrouwen zijn die je nooit in bed had’. Klopt, ik heb dan ook eindeloos veel beste vrouwen gekend. Maar ter zake. Een kop in de Volkskrant: ‘Badmuts met elektroden verbetert geheugen van ouderen’. Dus ik denk: ‘Badmuts? Doe mij maar een duikpak’. Evident een grap, want ik ben 35. Dan deze: ‘Geef kinderen een gezonde plek om te leren’. Hoe stel ik me dat voor? De conciërge is veganist en transseksueel, de schooldirecteur Vaticaan-ontkenner en pilatusfanaat. En je leraar drinkt alleen onbespoten schapenmelk en laat zijn neushaar waxen: ‘Krijg je méér frisse lucht binnen’. Ik skip dat artikel.
Nog een: ‘NS gaat staken: krijgen ze daarmee de baas op de knieën?’ Jongens, ‘op de knieën’? Heb je wel de vloer van een trein gezien? De man blijft plakken! Ik heb het niet over NS-wc’s. Daar ga je enkeldiep door het toiletpapier. Van dat lichtvochtige. De NS heeft trouwens personeelstekort. Wie niet? De Amsterdamse Wallen! Jongedames uit Oekraïne vliegen in. Op Schiphol staan hulpvaardige types te wachten: ‘Welcome in Holland! I have a job for you! First try this lingery!’
Tenslotte, deze Volkskrantkop: ‘Overlevingskansen kankerpatiënten toegenomen’. (‘Nee, Michel! In Holland géén grappen over kanker!’) Er schiet me gelijk een witz te binnen, té erg voor deze blog. Als je ‘m wilt, mail naar mvdsanden@kpnmail.nl.
Je kent me, de goedheid zelve, ik steun het KWF, die levenslang speurenden naar genezing. Blijkbaar is het ergste gebeurd wat ze vreesden: hun onderzoek heeft effect! Ben je mooi je baan kwijt! Vanmiddag stond zo’n student met collectebus voor mijn deur. Ik vraag: ‘Gast, what the fuck?‘ Hij zegt: ‘Meneer, je moet iets maatschappelijk betrokkens op je studenten-cv hebben. Kanker, walvissen, armoedjongeren… Who cares?’ 

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Blog 862 – August 22, 2022
NOT FOR SENSITIVE LADIES

How does a comedian’s day start? Yesterday, my family, we ate fish. So in the garbage went fish heads, bones and skins. This morning, at breakfast, my wife asks me to put the bin out. Her motivation is, “When you stick something in, you smell dead fish.” And I think, “Just like having sex with you, honey.”
Yes, I know, with honestly quoting my intimate thoughts, I lose my entire female readership for the day. Consequently, we can proceed with all insensitive funny moments. Here’s one. In my average comic fashion, yesterday I guided senior Americans through Amsterdam. I said, “This city is renowned for it’s Golden Age painters, Easter European hookers, and amazing tour guides.” One of my group looks at me, and said, “Amazing tour guides? Do you know one?” That was such a great improv, the rest of them Americans couldn’t cope. Later that day, over lunch, with he and his wife having an Amstel beer, sharing a Club Sandwich, all was forgiven. The conversation was about electric vehicles. He was from Dakota and said, “If you drive a Tesla during our winter, your battery freezes.” I replied, “Over here, your Tesla salesman says, “Winter over Holland? The last one was in ’44!” 
We move on. Today, I toured a trio in Amsterdam, among which a lady born in 1942. The topic was WOII, and to make things digestible for her, I told her, “In 1942, Germans fighting Russians, was like the US cavalry massacring Indians.” She answered, “I didn’t know John Wayne was on the German side?” I said, “Don’t worry, when at the end of this tour, you had jenever and bitterballs, you believe anything!”

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Blog 861 – August 21, 2022
INSTAGRAM HITS

A handpicked selection of our recent commentaries to news headlines.

– “Gibraltar auctions of Russian’s oligarch detained super yacht.”
Ukrainians! Just an idea, but Zelensky’s birthday is coming up.
– Europe’s rivers run dry, Worst drought in 500 years.
I tell ya, now I’ve had it with Putin!
– Western ex-military ‘Mozart Group’ trains Ukrainian recruits.
Training consists of Molotov Cocktails, Javelin Rockets and String Quartets.
– Netflix starts serving ads.
Great! I can’t wait for action movies to be interrupted by ads for stair lifts!
– Domino’s retreats from Italy after failing to conquer the home of pizza.
Serious? That was like the NY Mafia trying to settle in Sicily!
– Coronavirus: US ends social distancing & contact quarantining.
Actually, half of America loved distancing from the other half!
– The Guardian: Gen Z should give up striving to be their best selves.
Baby-Boomers tried that, and what did we get? Global-Warming!
– Comedian Sofie Hagen, “You got to be 100 times funnier in Danish.”
Interesting! When I’m told to be funnier, nobody mentions a language.

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Blog 860 – August 18, 2022
FULL UKRAINIAN JACKET

Remember that US Marines Drill Instructor from Full Metal Jacket by Stanley Kubrick? That sort of guys, US marines veterans, are flying to Ukraine to train Commi Killin’ And Red Ass Kickin’. We listen in at Kiev Boot Camp, where veteran Walter Bolt faces fresh recruits. Only yesterday they flipped burgers in a Kiev restaurant, tomorrow they flip Russian tank turrets. How will Walter do? Well, the Times are a changin’. The Die Hard is in for a Soft Treat.

– Listen up, numb skulls! We’ll start with bayonet fighting!
– Eh, Sir, this is more a war of drones, and missiles…
– Hum, OK, then we practice picking up wounded comrades by chopper.
– Excuse me, it’s the Russians who have the helicopters.
– No shit!? That’s a good point. All right, when it comes to interrogating prisoners, you guys wanna learn water-boarding?
– Sorry, Sir, in Europe, there is a sort of huge drought.
– Well damn me! How about marching with full gear, ever tried?
– Not really. The soldiers union struck over that, and now we walk with max. 4 pounds. It requires some logistics, but the army saves tons on physio therapy.
– Have it your way. Here’s another thing. I saw you guy’s locker room. Are you real men? There were no girlie pix!
– They had to go. The women officers found them offensive.
– Holy crap! Keep those broads in the kitchen!
– No can do, Sir. Catering is now an equal opportunity employer.
– Are you shittin’ me? I thought you didn’t have Blacks? Forget about it. Listen, I flew here all the way on my own expense – could have bought an assault rifle for that money! – so what DO you want to learn?
– Anything to get this thing over with the least casualties on both sides.
– Jesus mother of Christ! What are you? A socialist? I know what I do. I’ll telegram the President, he should send those robot dogs to do the fighting for you sissies.
– Sir, a Whats-app will be faster.
– Go fuck yourself! A 1000 Push-Ups!!

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Blog 859– August 17, 2022
THE UNBITTER BALL

Today, I persuaded some Americans tourists to try “bitterballen.” They said, “But these aren’t bitter?” I replied, “Correct. We used to make them from oxen testicles. But don’t worry, we don’t use oxen anymore.”
Talking about balls, the US is supplying Ukraine with Javelin rockets. We know them from YouTube. Don’t we all compensate our frustrating working day with, “Let’s go to YouTube and watch Russians been blown up.” Then, for Americans of course, it’s seeing where your hard-earned tax money went. “Honey, come and watch this, Joe Biden’s kicking Russian ass!” “I didn’t know Biden could raise a leg that high!”
Anyway, the topic was bitterballen. I’ve learned the meat inside is veal. Ever seen veal in real life? They are so vulnerable and cute. No wonder the Dutch get Romanians to work in our slaughterhouses.
There are also veggie bitterballen, obviously, serving those saving the planet for us despicable carnivores. Now, think of this, shouldn’t every recipe including meat not start with “Take 500gr flour,” or, “Slice an onion,” but with, “Kill an animal”? And end with, “Fun Tips What To Do With Severed Chicken Heads.” I think, there must already be a Chinese recipe for that. Like, “Roll in sugar and flour. Deep-fry. Serve to your Uyghur friends.”
Bitterballen – and this really true – are very difficult to make. They are a symphony of ingredients. That’s why the Dutch never produced a significant classic composer. “Our son, he has a great talent for composition, harmony, emotional depth. So my wife and I said he should go in the bitterbal business!”

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Blog 858– August 15, 2022
SCARLET JOHANSSON AND DUTCH CHICKEN

You know me, I’m 200% Dutch, and half of my DNA is Heineken. It comes with being a diversified investor. I got 300 Heineken shares, they went up today 0.57%. So at the closing of the market, I was thinking of Freddy Heineken and jerking off. “No way” you’re saying, “you were focused on your accidental subscription to Scarlett Johansson on Instagram.” Dear fans (and I do mean the 2.3 of you), off course I love Scarlett! She’s on Woody Allen’s side in the forever lasting case Allen vs McFarrow. Keep reading! I’ll provide you post-2000-born with some contemporary gags.
I want to talk about recipes. And not those to get sexual pleasure while being over 60, for then you’d say, “Haven’t we dealt with this at the Nuremberg trails?” I know, that’s an answer during a podcast by comedians. It’s a thing mature citizens do not listen at, with the perfectly legitimate reason that “It’s humor for the under 11.” I appreciate that. When I was under 11, I was a member of the Catholic boy scouts, and what happened at our Summer camps in dark forests, that was worse than at the camps of the Hitler Jugend. (You’re still around? Great!)
Where were we? Today in the New York Times, a recipe for Dutch Oven Chicken and Vinaigrette. In Holland, we produce vinegar, but only the kind, half of the province around gets lung cancer. The article specified a ‘covered Dutch oven.’ What the flip is that? The cheapest on the market, one that gets energy from a windmill?  
I love the NYT, but a “Dutch” recipe having as the ingredient wine? Come on, anything is great after adding alcohol! And allow me this lousy punch as a closer, first of all: marriage. (And by now, if you wonder, “Where’s the punch of this blog?” You‘re way too sober!)

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Blog 857– August 14, 2022
SALMAN RUSDHIE TOP 10

The admirably Salman Rushdie was attacked in New York. He got stabbed 10 time. Fortunately, he is recovering. His son said dad hadn’t lost his humor. Here we go: The Top 10 Funniest Remarks by Rushdie in Hospital.

10. Too bad, the guy stabbed me in the belly. The delicious hospital food runs out!
9. It’s ridiculous! I’m here already for 20 hours and still Hollywood made no offer for the film rights!
8. The assailant was a beginner! The knife still carried the price tag.
7. When he stabbed for the tenth and last time, I said, “That’s all you got?” Yeah, I admit, that was cheeky.
6. And this was all about the ‘Satanic Verses’ I published in the 80ties!? You can’t even get it anymore at Oxfam!
5. I was lucky! The attack was after my speech. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have gotten my money.
4. I’m happy to be disconnected from that respiratory machine. I was getting a “Covid Déjà Vu!”
3. In the 80ties, they put a huge bounty on my head. I hope knife-man realizes, for that money you now buy half a gallon of patrol!
2. The guy stabbed me in neck, stomach, eye, chest and thigh! I said, “Hey, dude, make a choice!”
1. Nice of president Biden to praise me for “not being intimidated.” But Joe, seriously, what happened to me was not tripping on an airplane stair!

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Blog 856– August 13, 2022
INSTAGRAM REBOUNDS

– Men’s paintings cost 10 times more than women’s, why?
Painting is so much harder for men! Most are colorblind!
– Putin’s reported girlfriend hit with US sanctions.
What’s she missing out most? Mint tea or lubricant?
– Western ex-military ‘Mozart Group’ trains Ukrainian recruits.
Training consists of Molotov Cocktails, Javelin Rockets and String Quartets.
– Netflix starts serving ads.
Great! I can’t wait for action movies to be interrupted by ads for stair lifts!
– Domino’s retreats from Italy after failing to conquer the home of pizza.
Serious? That was like the NY Mafia trying to settle in Sicily!
– Coronavirus: US ends social distancing & contact quarantining.
Actually, half of America loved distancing from the other half!
– Queensland farm offers healing cattle cuddles.
So we not just kill cattle, we also turn them into prostitutes?!
– Europe’s rivers run dry – Worst drought in 500 years.
I tell ya, now I’ve had it with Putin!
– Norwegian officials warn of euthanasia risk if crowds don’t stay away from walrus on beach.
Lots of old folk showed up. The officials specified, “It’s euthanasia for the walrus!”

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Blog 855– August 12, 2022
DON’T MENTION BREXIT

I’m in an archetypical Amsterdam bar, with 2 English couples in their 30s. Archetypical Brits. Focussed on having fun and the future. I ask, “When did you lose India?” They look at each other, “You mean playing croquet?”
That’s a detail, for the problem of the evening was “How does English humour responds to my American humor?” One character can mean a lot.
The topic was the Red-Light District. One said, “What about that ‘Banana Bar’?” I replied, “That’s a live show, women and bananas. Let your imagination flow unobstructed.” The second fellow informed, “Are there also shows with melons?” I said, “Yes, but only by retired prostitutes.”
They burst out in laughter. Then I’m told, for some apparent reason, they had understood “retarded”. A laugh is a laugh, but I don’t find “retarded” a trigger.
Well, they are British, which means that they use your punch line as a set-up for their gag.
Then, I spoke about the gay parade. “It was mayhem, tens of thousands of people going crazy on the canals. People just wearing leather underwear in the streets. Compared to Amsterdam, Sodom and Gomorrah was kindergarten.” To which one of the ladies replied, “Sounds like an average Wednesday evening where we come from.”
The key is having a good time, and to be remembered as the facilitator to that, even if your best jokes go down as stepping stones.

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Blog 854– August 11, 2022
CHUNK GOES FOR A CRUISE

You know I like Americans, but some days are a tester.
Today, I toured a group and one man – let’s call him Chunky Chester – had the diameter of a classic Volkswagen. The T1 Transporter.
Chunk walked slow, very slow. He checked out the garden of the hotel. Snails overtook him.
Earlier that day, his group and I had gone for a bus tour. I spoke about Holland, Chesto fell asleep. 5 minutes later, I woke him up, and I said, “We have a house rule: Don’t snore louder than the tour guide speaks.”
Now, you know those types. If you use a wrong word, like “effort,” they start transpiring unsavory. So after a long hot day, Chung Fu retreated to his room, you’d guess, to freshen up. He came down wearing the same shirt of the last 12 hours. I asked him, “You have two identical shirts?” You get it: creativity wasted.
Not a bad guy, though. Chestbreast tipped me €4. I said, “Great! Now my children can eat!” He asked, “You have children?” “No,” I replied, “whey I was briefed for this job, I had them aborted.”
Then, with his wife, Chunkolio wanted to go to a pizzeria. He asked, “If we leave at seven, when will I get there?” I said, “You’ll never reach it. You walk slower than the universe expands.”

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Blog 853– August 10, 2022
WOMEN AND DROUGHT

Never let your self-esteem get in the way of scoring with an unsophisticated joke. This morning, an American told me, “When I arrived in Amsterdam, I thought some houses were leaning. But last night when I went outdoor, all seemed to be leaning!” I said, “You came out of a bar?”
We Dutch comedians, we are confronted with the “Is Your Joke Sufficiently Woke?”-Gestapo. Not when you meet tourists from the Land of the Brave and Free! I told some of them, “Female rulers do not start wars.” A day later, a Texan said Google informed that from 12-1400, most wars were started by female heads of state. I replied, “Sure, in those days, women had balls!”
The unwokeness of many Americans is delightful. A lady from Baton Rouge and I spoke about The Sopranos. I said the popularity of the series had always puzzled me. “It’s about vulgar men who do not give a damn about causing serious suffering.” She replied, “Well, it’s a world we do not know.” I said, “You do not follow the GOP?”
Yesterday, I wrote about that classic stand-up routine: comedian says, “She/He is (…)” The audience responds, “How (…)?” And the comedian comes with a row of one-liners. Let’s have another brainstorm.
“Europe is being hit by a bad drought crisis!”
“How bad?”
– You want milk powder? Milk a cow!
– Are the Alpine glaciers melting? Great!!
– Where do you see people washing their car? On History Channel.
– Interpol sadly announced, they’ve stopped waterboarding
– What was great about sex in the past? Afterwards, you could shower.

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Blog 852– August 9, 2022
THE WORLD IS IN TURMOIL

Have you checked the news? The world is in turmoil. Thank God for old-fashioned headlines! Such as, “Israeli ‘preemptive strikes’ kills 15 Palestinian children.”
It’s a planet full of victims. I read, “A third of Brits face poverty with energy bills hitting $5,000.” Facing poverty? Do what Tories do with poverty in sight: look the other way!
Yes, that one was very political for my standards. You know me, “objectivity” is my middle name. And the rest is not Adolf Lenin.
The Wall Street Journal reports: “Human-rights abuses in a region of China that produces almost half the world’s solar panel components.” Seriously? Aren’t regions in China with human-rights abuse called “every region of China?”
Then the Rhine is as low as it ever has been. Do you know the stand-up classic: The comedian says, “The Rhine is low!” The audience shouts, “How low?” The comedian responds with a one-liner. And this goes on and on. Let play this game: “The Rhine is low!” “How low?”
– The fish they catch, are sun burnt.
– Rhine cruises are moored so long, they got to pay city tax.
– Wagner’s opera “Rhein Gold” is renamed “Desert Gold.”
– Without sewage coming out on the Rhine, there’d be no liquid at all.
– Diving schools now advertise with: “Bring walking shoes.”
Back to the real world. Today for me was “Day II Touring American Friends.” A conversation topic was obesity in the US. I improved this joke, “In a Wall Mart, I saw a 6-month pregnant woman, and that baby, guess what? Obese!” My conversation partner from Washington state replied, “I know!”

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Blog 851– August 8, 2022
MY AMERICAN FRIENDS

There is the “impossible question.” Today, I was touring Americans, and a man asked me, “What do Europeans think of the United States?” I said, “That’s a hard one! I want to tell the truth, but, at the end, still get a tip.”
Humor can start with combining things. Like, Americans are sometimes very into their roots, and the men are in for a laugh. So when a guy from Louisiana told me, “I’m 90% French,” I answered, “And 10% dog?”
And I love it how they take things seriously. A lady from Los Angeles had had apple pie and not touched the whipped cream. I told her, “You can ask for a doggy bag.” She replied, “I guess I can, but my dog is on a diet.” I said, “I know what you mean. Your dog must hate it when, on TV, there are 3 minutes of regular program in between dog food commercials.”
My US friends and I strolled through The Hague, and they have another concept of distances. I was asked, “Are we close to the ocean?” What do you do? I said, “Around the corner!”
Now you know me, my humor has a dash of irony. Early this morning, when I met my guests, I said, “Hi, today you are my group, which is my pleasure. And I’m your guide, which is your tragedy.” They looked at me, as if I was quoting Shakespeare.
But seriously, I look forward to spent two more days with them. Then they embark for a cruise up the Rhine, having tour guides in numerous German towns. In three weeks, they’ll fly home thinking, “These German guides, so competent, client friendly, perfect in English, and compared to that Michel, so fucking boring.”

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Blog 850– August 7, 2022
POST GAY AMSTERDAM

It’s Gay Pride week in Amsterdam. The atmosphere is aggressively Pro-Gay. Saturday evening, I only made it to the railway station by constantly saying, “I’m disguised as a straight!”
This morning, on my way there in the train, I overheard a child speaking German with her mother, who had a heavy Polish accent. Then she spoke to her father in Dutch. He had a solid Turkish accent. I imagined, in a few years time, the kid would tell her parents, “Shouldn’t you guys take speech classes?”
I arrived, and the city was a bloody mess. I said to an Italian tourist, “Sorry for the garbage!” He replied, “Don’t worry! I’m from Naples. I feel at home!”
We got into a conversation. It was about yachts. He said, “In Italy we say: A man is only twice happy with his yacht, when he buys it, and when he gets rid of it.” I replied, “In Holland, we have the same about being happy only at the start and at the end. But we apply it to marriage.”
Nine-thirty, I walked into a Jordaan bar. Outside, a man was sitting, wearing a suit clearly acquired before the invention of dry cleaning. I pointed at his glass of bourbon on the rocks, and asked, “Who drinks at this time of the day tea with ice?” He replied, “Who at this time makes such lousy jokes?” Just what I needed, before touring in my regular comic fashion, tourists through our capital. Anyway, three hours later, my group was happy. Most tipped in Euros, but the last one asked me, “Is it OK if I give you Dollars?” I answered, “We guides have this saying: anything is fine as long as it smells after money.”

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Blog 849– August 6, 2022
RANDOM VIEWS

Some of the women who fled the war in Ukraine are working in the Red-Light District. I mean no offense, but I think they should give us a discount.

The Netherlands can’t handle the amount of Ukrainians coming. Some even sleep outside. But then, many Dutch save a whole year to go to another country to sleep in the open air.

I dreamed, I always walked around dressed totally gay. Then, once a year, it was Straight Pride Day. I’d dress straight and shout in the streets, “This is what I really am!”

My neighbor’s house got messed up with graffiti. I told him to leave it, for it was a “Banksy.” Now every time I pass by, he asks me, “Why are you smiling?”

At the bakers, I stood behind an obese kid buying donuts. I said, “Let me ask you this, were you born fat?” Then I saw his mother, even fatter. I told her, “I take everything back.”

I love Joe Biden. He was asked why China is so eager to conquer Taiwan. He answered, “Not for the food.”

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Blog 848– August 5, 2022
RANDOM TOPICS

Believe me, at an art opening, it’s not cool to ask the artist if he painted it all by himself.

Pretzel is the perfect word for that kind of pastry. Uncompromising and zero sensuality.

I live in a very hip neighborhood. Beggars ask me, “Excuse me, do you have €4.95 for a Chai Tea Latte?

My brother had his legs lengthened by 2 inches. Now he never needs to have trousers being taking in.

If at parties, people ask what I do for a living, I answer I’m an architect specialized in parking lots.

Corruption is innate. When you’re 6, why are you kind to your granny? So she gives you money.

I was on this dinner date. It didn’t work out. I tipped the waiter. My date gave him her phone number.

My psychiatrist is 100% woke. His first question was, “Tell me about your earliest childhood experience with the climate crisis.”

If you’re a bad comedian, find someone who truly loves you. They laugh at anything.

And babies laugh at almost nothing. But hey, we have to teach them that’s not normal.

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Blog 847– August 4, 2022
RANDOM SHIT

Angela Merkel struggles with a title for her autobiography. “Mein Kampf” is already taken.

From the library, I borrowed “100 Years of Solitude.” In the back was a business card of an escort service.

I went hitchhiking and was picked up by a guy in an electric car. For 200 miles, he told about how cheap electric driving is. I got out and said, “Thanks, this is for the energy,” and I gave him a dime.

I knew why that date didn’t work out. Her perfume was ‘Hopeless’ by Dior.

You know your diner date is no success if the waiter, without being asked, comes with a split bill.

He’s the perfect snob. In restaurants, he sent his food back, saying it tasted too cheap.

Who wants to be 21 forever? You get forever mortgages denied.

I had sex with an archaeologist. She moaned in a dead language.

I have a friend, she’s into vegan cooking. The second time she invited me for a candlelight dinner, I ate the candles.

For a man, starting a relationship is easy. Women fall for character. That’s all you have to fake.

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Blog 846– August 3, 2022
I LEARNED A LOT!

Two weeks ago, I attended some stand-up comedy in New York. I came to learn, not to laugh. You know me. What makes me laugh? An email saying “Your wife filed for divorce?” Anyway, at the first show, after an hour, for the first time, I was amused. The headliner was shocked, “Jesus! The bold guy on Row 2 smiles!” But I did learn. “Set-up/Punchline” is out. It’s about emotional reacting. There’s my problem! I’m not an emotional type, and my reaction speed dramatically drops after Happy Hour, which is – given “Happy hour is anytime” –11am. Nevertheless, I go through the news and feel inspired. Here we go.

– UK far-right groups target children on-line to radicalize them.
“It sucks! Two years ago, at the most, they asked you to drop on-line your pants!”
– Nancy Pelosi, “China cannot stop world leaders visiting Taiwan.”
Hey, sweetheart, with all due respect, who are you leading?
– Analysts say: OPEC approval of minuscule oil output rise insults Biden.
Don’t worry! He’s only insulted if his advisors tell he is.
– Russia can’t find enough volunteers to fight against Ukraine.
Are they surprised? Who wants to end up exploding on a YouTube video?
– Putin’s reported girlfriend hit with US sanctions.
What’s she missing out most? Mint tea or lubricant?

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Blog 845 – August 2, 2022
ASTOUNDING HEADLINES

After three White Russians, it’s so much easier to respond creatively to world headlines. I know what you’re saying: “Michel, it’s the whipped cream in it!”

– Kremlin accuses US of involvement in Ukraine war.
“Sorry guys. You were involved in our elections. Just returning a favor!”
– BP profits triple because of Ukraine war.
BP CEO, “I’ll promise not to enjoy my millions of Dollars bonus!”
– Will Russia become a new North Korea?
Who says so? They shoot rockets in the ocean? Is Putin gaining weight?
– UN chief, “World one miscalculation away from nuclear annihilation.”
I’m sorry, but is he reviewing the Cuba Crises?
– Men’s paintings cost 10 times more than women’s, why?
Painting is so much harder for men! Most are colorblind!
– al-Qaida leader’s ‘pattern of life’ allowed the US to kill him.
How American! Most US citizens are killed by their pattern of life.
– Satellite images reveal shrinkage of Utah’s Great Salt Lake.
Climate deniers claim the satellite took the shots while flying backwards.
– Gay Pride Week and Monkey pox: a bad combo.
Serious! To avoid such an un-woke headline, let a couple of thousand die!
­– Ronaldo & Maguire most abused players on Twitter.
Forget Musk! These two should buy Twitter!
– Cannabis cafés, the latest addition to Thailand’s tourism.
So it’s hashies, beer and hookers? I think I stay in Amsterdam!

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Blog 844 – August 1, 2022
COMMENTING HEADLINES

– Elon Musk’s father not proud of his son.
Watch out, ol’ man! Elon may remove you from his will!
– Scientists confirm: Earth spins faster.
That sucks! Before you know, Happy Hour is 20 minutes!
– China’s military ‘will not sit idly by’ if Nancy Pelosi visits Taiwan.
I can’t wait to see ‘m dance on TikTok!
– First grain-loaded ship in months leaves Ukraine.
Thank God! For three months I had no blini under my caviar!
– Cognitive decline linked to ultraprocessed food.
Damn! So vegans are not boring, they’re just smarter!
– Japan open to travel, but tourists stay away.
Why go to a place where even hookers don’t have sex?
– Magnet fisher fishes body from Amsterdam canal.
I guess the dead guy didn’t plan for that, when he took braces.
– Rotterdam skyline on track to become ‘New York’ style.
Great! As long as waiters serve as good as in New York!
– Heineken puts prices up by 8.9%
I used to drink a Heineken after sex, but with these prices, I can’t afford sex!

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Blog 843 – July 31, 2022
INSTAGRAM HITS

July was one busy month. Too busy for 31 blogs. Of course, you don’t believe that, but I thought, I give it a shot. Last year in Paris, every day, I published a blog. We just returned from New York and DC. Wasn’t there inspiration for a blog? Certainly, my fans, simply too much. And if you don’t believe that, go f*** yourself (See? I did get in a “NY State of Mind”) Anyway, I did produce my daily Instagram joke. Here’s a selection:

– James Webb Telescope photos raise question again: Are we alone?
And: On other planets, what do they pay for energy?
– “Change is possible,” Gen-Zers embrace climate optimism.
I guess they declared being depressed not woke.
– A million UK chickens “die needlessly each week to keep prices low.”
And how many laborers “die needlessly to keep prices low?”
– Monkey Pox declared global health emergency by WHO.
“Hey boss! I can’t come to work! I got Long Monkey.”
– UK Gen-Z is turning off booze.
And I thought they would solve global warming first!
– Ukraine: devastation, hopelessness, daily innocent people dying…
You’d almost believe you’re in Baltimore!
– Brazil’s Bolsonaro avoids charges for mismanaging Covid.
Including the one for stealing the phrase, “It’s just a mild flue.”
– Parts of Mediterranean Sea 6C warmer than usual.
It’s not Global Warming! It’s too many tourists peeing.

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Blog 842 – July 11, 2022
INSTRAGRAM QUIRPS

Were my jokes on Instagram the last 2 weeks funny? “Yes!” one of my 2 million followers replied. (The others are just afraid to make me feel I’m accomplished.)

– Nazi camp guard, 101, convicted of complicity in murder
Well done! Never underestimate the risk of récidive!
– North Korea: ‘South sent balloons filled with Covid!’
OMG! You were hoping for sandwiches?
– Venice day-trippers will have to pay a fee
So it’s gonna be, “Pay, See Venice, and Die.”
– EasyJet boss quits after turmoil and flight cancellations
His departure was delayed due to a flight cancellation
– Summer 2022: floods, wildfires & shootings
I told ya, Covid wouldn’t change a thing!
– Russia puts all it can into mobilisation efforts
“Learn how to drive a tank! It’s a blast!”
– “Uber Files” reveal shocking board ethics
The company should be called “Über Alles In Der Welt”
– Italian tourist town imposes fines for bare chests
“Sir, that’ll be €500 and mandatory shaving.”
– Sri Lanka protesters enjoy luxeries in presidential palace
In a freezer they found gallons of free speach.
– “Should Biden Run Again in 2024?”
Biden, “I’d be happy if in 2024, I can RUN…”

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Blog 841 – 29 juni 2022
HUMOR, WAAR KAN HET NOG?

Mijn ‘Comedy tour guiding’ loopt uit de hand. Ik word nu ook ingehuurd door Viking Cruises. Maandag liep ik met Amerikanen en die tippen altijd flink! Ik zeg een 78-jarige, met een camera in een tasje om zijn nek: ‘I see you’re all set for today! You brought your pacemaker!*’ Wie denk je dat me einde dag niet tipte?
En humor in een relatie, ook geen sinecure! Ik sta voor de spiegel in mijn lange regenjas, in elke hand een zak snoep. Mijn vrouw vraagt: ‘Waar ga jij naar toe?’ Ik zeg: ‘Kun je dat niet raden? Nu voor slechts € 29,95 naar het Tina festival!’ Nou, er kon geen lachje af.
Woensdags haal ik onze groentetas. ‘Rechtstreeks van het land.’ Ik zeg de juffrouw van de winkel: ‘Onze agrariër was op tv’. Zij vraagt: ‘In een documentaire: Hoe overleef ik als Nederlandse boer?’ ’Nee,’ zeg ik, ‘Hoe molesteer ik een Nederlands agent?’ Voortaan mag ik groente halen bij de Aldi.
Mijn buurman heeft long covid. Hij vertelde me: ‘De dokter wil dat ik elke dag 2 uur probeer te werken.’ Ik zei: ‘Vergeet het maar! Dat probeer ik al jaren!’ Sindsdien als we elkaar op straat zien, dan steekt hij over. Gevoelig type.
De Tefaf kunstbeurs is in het nieuws. Ik was er ooit en zag een echtpaar waarvan de vrouw een studiegenote was. Toen bloedmooi en overgewicht, nu nog steeds knap maar superslank. Ik stap op haar af: ‘Els, leuk je te zien! Waar zijn je kilo’s gebleven?’ Zij hapt terug: ‘Naar dezelfde plek als jouw haar’. Haar echtgenoot natuurlijk lachen. In retroaspect is dat de les: voorzetten is knapper dan inkoppen.

*Waar gebeurd!

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Blog 840 – June 24, 2022
INSTAGRAM FUN

Thank God for my daily Instagram jokes! Without publishing them here, it would be unacceptable quiet on this page. (I know, I’m the only one who says that.)

– Mallorca restaurants install dress code to curb antisocial tourism.
Rule 1. Dicks are worn inside pants.
– Nike Air Force 1s auctioned for $150k.
So cheap! Try to get a Javelin missile for that!
– Apple and Android phones hacked by Italian spyware.
You switch your phone on, and the home screen is Berlusconi!
– 12 Republicans support significant firearms legislation.
They now lost their membership of Mar-a-Lago.
– Taliban struggles to help earthquake victims.
Image, some women killed weren’t wearing burka’s.
– First human ear 3D printed in the US.
The US… so the invoice also required 3D printing.
– ‘Not-Shower-At-All’ a new trend.
Really! So the last 40 years I’ve been trendy?
– Germany faces massive gas shortage.
No, I’m not making that joke. Ah, what the hell: That comes 80 years too late!
– Raising rent rushes relationships.
Now I understand the hype in “Mini-Houses”!
– Massive python found in Everglades
It swallowed a biologist, still in his truck.

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Blog 839 – June 16, 2022
INSTAGRAM FUN

Some of my latest One-Joke-A-Day on Instagram:

– Turkey re-brands as Türkiye.
Let me guess: that’s Turkeys for “chicken”?
– Biden’s meeting Saudi crown prince pushed back to July.
The prince had some executions to attend to.
– China launches astronauts to space station.
Now the shit hits the fan! Covid in space!
– Boris Johnson wins vote of confidence.
“Hey, Boris, party?”
– Microplastics found in Antarctic snow.
Come on! Be happy there’s still a place where it snows!
– “Vkusno & Tochka” the new name for McDonald’s in Russia.
“One Happy Putin Meal and a Strawberry Vodka Shake. Yes, to go! I am trying to get out of this country.”
– US faces shortage of menstrual products.
It’s the Mexicans! They’re coming to take our tampons!
– Macron shocked when visiting Ukraine.
He promised more guns, ammunition and cheese.

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Blog 838 – 15 juni 2022
KOPPENSNELLEN

Meedogenloos uit de heup, zo becommentariëren we traditioneel de krantenkoppen. Daar gaat ie!

– Organisaties kinderopvang ontbinden contacten met ouders door personeelstekort.
“En trouwens, die kleine van u, ‘t is een fucking etterbakje.”
– Advocaten chauffeur moord Peter R de Vries willen vrijspraak.
“Hij zag het uitsluitend als een kans om werkervaring.”
– Tenniswereld geschokt door aanhouding trainer in zedenzaak.
Ik begrijp het! Tennisballen in de zak van zo’n rokje is nou eenmaal enorm opwindend.
– Rolling Stones 7 juli terug naar de Arena.
Waarschijnlijk gebalsemd, maar dan nog.
– Plan om Franse Ban Lieu jongeren een kans in Nederland te geven.
Ik begrijp de voorrang! Die Ban Lieu is 10 keer erger dan Syrië.
– Europa beschuldigd van massaal inkopen van apenpokkenvaccin.
Het is ook beledigend voor de vluchtelingen in bootjes op de Middellandse Zee.
– Nederlandse banken: huiseigenaren krijgen teveel belastingvoordeel.
Huiseigenaren: Nederlandse banken moeten hun teringkop houden.
– Dove jongen na vier dagen gered uit put in India.
Hij had de waarschuwingen voor die put niet gehoord.

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Blog 837 – 8 juni 2022
KOPPENSNELLEN

Mijn populaire blogvorm ‘Keihard door de krantenkoppen’, je hebt ‘m gemist? Natuurlijk, dat is een retorische vraag. Ik kijk wel uit. Daar gaan we:

– Wat weet u van inflatie?
Da’s klanten 10% slechter bedienen en zeggen: ‘Mij moet je niet aankijken! Ga maar naar Putin’.
– Hoe verklaar je een gat in je cv?
‘Wat ik deed van maart tot juni 2011? Sorry, die vraag is seksueel intimiderend!’
– 1/3 Nederlandse wolven doodgereden
En 2/3 overleed na het ontvangen van de vermogensbelasting.
– Rookwolken teisteren Costa del Sol
Dat heette ooit: ‘Hollandse pensionado’s aan het barbecueën’.
– Hoe Franse serieverkrachter 56 keer kon toeslaan.
Da’s een inkoppertje: talent!
– Zelenski komt met ‘Boek van Beulen’
Leuk voor ‘m! Ik wacht wel op de film.
– Hoorzitting bestorming Capitol wordt mediaspektakel
Als consultant hebben ze ingehuurd… Amber Heard.
– Amsterdamse Wallen té druk. Misschien toegangspoortjes?
De slogan wordt: ‘Eerst chippen, dan wippen’.

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Blog 836 – 7 juni 2022
SLOGANS PER STREKKENDE METER

Zoals je misschien weet, ben ik ook ontwerper. Vandaag maakte ik voor een producent van seniorenmeubels advertenties met de aanbieding: ’Bij relaxfauteuil gratis nekkussen’. Dan rolt er natuurlijk deze grap uit:
Een oudere dame loopt een meubelzaak binnen. Ze zegt: ‘Ik kom voor de aanbieding “Bij relaxfauteuil gratis nekkussen” ‘. En ze koopt een stoel. Dan vraagt de vrouw: ‘Hoe zit ‘t met dat nekkussen?’ Een verkoper stapt op haar af en zegt: ‘Waar wilt u ze hebben? Links of rechts in uw nek?’
De zakenwereld biedt zó veel comedy inspiratie!
Een uitvaartbedrijf vroeg me om een reclameslogan. De directeur zei: ‘Onze klanten weten precies waar ze aan toe zijn’. Ik zei: ‘Dan wordt je slogan: Verassen zonder verrassen’.
Slogans bedenken blijft uitdagend. Een klant vroeg me eens: ‘Hoe verwoorden we dat wij fanatiek zijn en onze klanten daarvan profiteren?‘ Ik antwoordde: ‘Met de slogan: Wij de Passie, U de Vruchten‘. En ze gingen ervoor. Maar de punch van deze grap? Een jaar later waren ze failliet.
Heb je gehoord dat als de jacht van Jeff Bezos onder de brug de Hef in Rotterdam vaart, dat Rotterdammers vanaf de kade eieren gaan gooien? De slogan van de jachtenbouwer wordt: ‘Rotterdam bouwt ook jouw jacht! Tijdelijk met gratis eieren!’
Ik aarzelde even die grap af te maken met: ‘Rotterdam is nou eenmaal ei-genwijs‘. Maar dat kost je zó 52 fans. En ik heb er al 2!

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Blog 835 – June 2, 2022
AND THE WINNER IS…

I walk into a bar, only to ask if they can refill my bottle with tab water. OK, call that a lousy opening joke, but this is what really happened. A guy sitting next to me asked, “You followed the Johnny Depp case?”
I said, “Sure, I love a stand-up performance that takes 6 weeks.”
– Then have you heard this? Amber Heard plans to appeal. She promised this time, she’ll cry WITH tears.
– Serious?
– And she’s been offered a leading role in a new film!
– Let me guess: Losers of the Caribbean?
– Almost. It’s called Who’s Afraid of a Virginia Court?
Then it’s my time to be funny and I proceed, “Depp was in the UK when the verdict was read. He sat in his favorite bar, called “Happy Hour Anytime.”
– And Disney mailed him. Seems they changed their mind. Their CEO said, “Lunch soon?” Johnny replied, “Only if your liver is on the menu.”
– Amber stopped smoking. She said, “With Johnny not around, what do I do with cigarette buts?”
– Remember she donated the 7 million of the divorce settlement to “good causes?” She got an email from those guys saying, “To now pay Mr. Depp, you want the millions back you never gave us?”
– Here’s a riddle.
– I love riddles!
– Johnny dies and arrives in Heaven. Petrus says, “What do you do here? You lead a lecherous life!” What does Johnny answer?
– “Were you there?” Here’s my riddle: what sport did Amber contribute to the World Olympics for Feminists?
– Whiskey Bottle Throwing!
The guy and I were having a good laugh as the lady behind the bar – an evidently woke type – informed with a sour face if we wanted another drink.
I answered, “Yes, two whiskey!” The woman replied, “Megapints I presume?”

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Blog 834 – June 1, 2022
INSTAGRAM FUN

You know me, I have this thing with Japan. So this selection of my jokes on Instagram has a couple of Nippon puns. Remember when African countries, 50% of its population was under 18? In three decades, 80% of Japanese over 80, 20% is robot. And for the record, not sex robots. Here we go:

– Ukrainian man loses life savings in ‘stablecoin’ crypto slump.
Serious! Is there any end to the evilness of Putin?
– The Guardian: ‘US billionaire class funds anti-democratic forces’
Is this a 2022 or a 1822 headline?
– UK comes to the help in US baby formula shortage.
Great! UK milk! It only comes with bad teeth!
– Bob Dylan rerecords his ‘62 Blowing in the wind.
Excuse me, but if 60 years later you still think the answer is Blowing in the wind, what have you learned?
– Japanese Red Army founder released from prison and apologizes.
A Japanese army leader apologizing for killing civilians? How un-Japanese!
– Man arrested after he smeared Mona Lisa with cake.
The 154 Japanese tourists watching, thought he was Leonardo da Vinci.
– Japanese Parliament to approve abortion pill.
I thought the Japanese didn’t get pregnant anymore?

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Blog 833 – May 25, 2022
ESBJAERG BY THE LITER

Pretty late, I returned after a day of guiding two dozen Americans through Amsterdam in my usual hilarious fashion. There were even two who enjoyed it. Coming home, I realized I was running short on vegetables. So I went to my liquor store. (Don’t say this surprises you). I was just about to enter, when a girl who works there walked out. She said, “Hi! Last time you forget your client card! I left it in a drawer with a note!” For the vegans among you: a Client Card from a liquor store is the same as Frequent Flying Alcoholics Flyers Pass With Guaranteed Liver Problems within a Decade.
I thanked her, entered the store, picked up a bottle of Esbjaerg Vodka, put it on the teller and said to the guy behind it, “Last time, I forgot my client card. It’s in your drawer.” And there it was. The note on top by the girl said, “Card from man with glasses, often gets Esbjaerg Vodka with son!” The guy asked, “So how’s your son doing?” I said, “Extremely well, for an 18-year-old who doesn’t give a shit for those who pretend to give a shit about him.” Totally unmoved, the guy put my liter Esbjaerg in a bag and said, “That’ll be €13.99. See you back in two days?”

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Blog 832 – May 23, 2022
WAY TOO LOOSE ENDS

You guys have noticed it. The “daily” of my blogs has become “almost daily”. It’s sounds like, “I respect my wife more than anything in the world. I’m almost faithful.”
So, to answer your desperate plea for jokes today, here’s what was on top of my waste bin.

In my street, there is an Israeli restaurant. They serve a Palestinian dish. It’s a killer!

When you play Russian Roulette, is that the moment to worry about environmental damage by gunpowder?

In Sweden, during the Summer, the sun doesn’t set. You know what Swedes during Summer have for desert? Breakfast.

I was driving and ignored a ‘STOP’ sign. Killed three pedestrians. In court, I pleaded innocent due to dyslexia.

Emotionally, I can’t stand myself. I emailed to my address, and it was returned as undeliverable.

Putin has lost all credit in Germany. The German chancellor said, “In 1941, it took us ten days to take Kiev!”

I think there’s something wrong with my esophagus. It hurts so much when my jokes make me throw up.

Then as a comedian, every time I go to my doctor, he says, “Let me guess, you just want to get a joke out of this?”

My hairdresser has a way better memory than me. When I sit down, he says, “Same as last time?” I answer, “Sure!” Then he knows he can totally fuck me.

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Blog 831 – 21 mei 2022
GEVOELIGE SNAREN

Mensen zijn zo gevoelig! Gister, ik had een stand-up gig. Je denkt: binnenkomen met een gezinsvriendelijke grap. Dus ik open zo: ‘Heb je ‘t gehoord? Finland wil bij de NATO! Maar het is al het gelukkigste land van de wereld? En waarom? Een Fin is óf gelukkig, óf hij pleegt zelfmoord’. De zaal bleef suïcidaal stil. Ik probeer er nog één: ‘En in Noord-Korea slaat corona toe! Kim Jong-un werd gezien hoestend in zijn elleboog. Goed dat hij zoveel is afgevallen! Twee jaar terug was hij te vet om z’n arm te buigen’. Zó vreemd, maar het publiek vond ook deze grap niet vet.
En vandaag. Ik loop naar een bus door de NS ingezet vanwege uitgevallen treinen. Het bagagevak is open en ernaast staat een vader met een buggy met een klein kind. Hij wil die buggy in die ruimte zetten. Ik wijs op de kleine en zeg: ‘Als ik jou was, zou ik die er eerst uithalen’. Je denkt: prima opening voor een fijn gesprek. Maar de man kijkt me meesmuilend aan en antwoordt: ‘Brengt het jeugdherinneringen naar boven? Zette je vader jou bij de bagage?’ Voor mij is dat kort door de bocht, dus ik repliceer: ‘Klopt! En ik vond het prima, want ik had zo’n vader als jij’.
Tijdens de busrit van drie kwartier zitten we naast elkaar. Wat denk je? Geen woord gewisseld. Tja, uit een gevoelige ziel klinkt geen vette lach.

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Blog 830 – May 19, 2022
INSTAGRAM FUN

Some recent one’s of my daily jokes on Instagram (‘michelvandersanden’)

– Cigarettes are ridiculously expensive! I sold my Ferrari. It was that, or give up smoking!
– Calling a man bald is sexual harassment, UK court rules.
You can call me bald! It’s the only sex I get!
– In the UK two people diagnosed with monkey pox.
Let me guess, they’re planning a garden party?
– Finland confirms intention to join NATO.
I thought it was the “Happiest country in the World”?
– NATO may not provide Sweden & Finland more security
Whatever! Neutrality is so last Tuesday!
– Switzerland votes for organ donation by default.
And if you donate everything, you get a discount cremation!
– North Korea on brink of Covid catastrophe.
Chin up! You’re great at ballistic missiles!
– North Korea promotes traditional medicines in Covid outbreak.
I thought they couldn’t afford chlorine…?

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Blog 829 – May 17, 2022
DON’T OPEN THE FRONT DOOR!

You guys give money to good causes? This is what happened to me.
My doorbell rings. There’s a young guy standing. What he should have said is, “Sorry, I only do this to get something positive on my resume. If in 5 years time, it only reads: Studied Business Administration focussing on a selfish, materialistic future not giving a damn about global warming, dolphins or the socially weak… That’s not cool.” But what he said was, “I’m collecting for the 1/3 of children suffering from malnutrition.” I thought, “Let’s not discuss with a university have-not, having an IQ at least three times mine, and a father driving a Jaguar.” I gave €10, and he was gone.
An hour later, a girl at my front door, collecting for the 1/3 of kids with obesity. I said, “What a good cause! But how am I supposed to get chicken nuggets in your collection box?” You know me, I didn’t say that. But seriously, I asked, “Obesity, don’t these kids often have a medical reason? Like, ‘My thyroid doesn’t function properly, and it didn’t taste great either.” She replied, “Sir, you wouldn’t want to walk a mile in the shoes of such a patient.” I said, “Well, I could! If I’d wear four pairs of socks.” I’m kidding! It’s all “Back in the mind of a comedian discourse.” I gave her €10 as well.
15 minutes later, another guy, collecting for the remaining 1/3 of children. I controlled myself, but still I sounded as enlightened as Putin after 75 days of Ukraine, “What the fuck’s wrong with them?” The guy says, “They feel left out!”

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Blog 828 – May 15, 2022
THE AVERAGE SHITTY SUNDAY

I got a flipping lot of things on my mind. Then my son walks in, if I can help him with a project for university. I hear myself say as a full-time zombie, “Sure!” He returns to his room, as I realize something. I shout, “Why the hell am I helping you so much?” Without looking back, he answers, “Cause I’m your son!” And I say, “That’s only because the neighbor didn’t want to fuck your mother.”
You know me, I’m kidding. That punchline was only in my brains. That soppy substance full of brilliant jokes, ravaged by decades of Martini’s. By the way, concerning me and wife, you won’t hear me complain. Seriously, I can advise marriage to everyone. The first two years, they’re are amazing!
So what did I have on my mind? Hoovering the house. It’s so dusty since our cleaning lady retired 8 months ago. I dropped a pair of gray shoes. Never found them back! They dissolved in the 2-inch dust carpet we now have.
And I had to go to Aldi. You might say, “Michel, would you rather hang around in that Ukraine steel factory under Russian fire?” I respect your point, but our Aldi makes the Donbas region look like Disneyland.
“How about the song festival?” you ask. Sure. I congratulate Ukraine. But being a man of statistics, would that country have picked up the prize without first killing 25,000 Russian soldiers?
It’s a half an hour later, with that over smart son, I returned from Aldi. A lady in front of us paid with 3 pounds of 5ct coins. Then a seriously old fucker put his 2 bottles of cheap cola in front of our groceries on the conveyor belt. “I asked that lady if it was OK,” he said. “Well, that’s the wrong person. Back in line, Lincoln.” He replied, “I’m an old man.” (You can guess my response.) I said, “I’m supposed to have sympathy for you, since you had your last erection in 1996? No way! I’m old too, and actually, I’m happy with being sexually harassed. It’s the only sex I get!” The whole thing was settled without animals being hurt. I tell ya, Aldi, it’s where Dutch society shakes off its last signs of civilization.

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Blog 827 – May 13, 2022
THE CHINESE-AMERICAN CONNECTION

Yesterday, I sat on a bench at the Museumplein. Some would say, “I had an hour to kill,” but folks, never “kill time.” It is the most precious thing you have in the world. Right after having a good prostate.
Then a guy sat down next to me. He looked OK and he asked, “Excuse me, do you have two or three euros for a bottle of water?” I replied, “Two-three euros? What is your favorite brand of water? Moët & Chandon? You want this?” And I handed him my half full bottle of water. He said, “Thanks,” and took a sip. Teeth of a dedicated heroine user became visible. I said, “It’s none of my business, but how about spending 2 to 3 euros on a dentist?” He didn’t take it personally and left.
Four minutes later, two benches to the right, a familiar voice. And there’s my water friend, asking a man for a cigarette. I said to that man, “Give him one. He’s OK. He drinks water.” The man looked at me and saw a glass of wine in my hand. I shrugged my shoulders and added, “I don’t need to drink water, I have a chauffeur, and proper teeth.” Nervously, the guy hands over a cigarette and runs off.
An hour later, a chauffeur drives me to the The Hague. (Everything I write is true!) And for the record, two wealthy Chinese-American tourists were also in the van. Lately I’ve been touring a lot of rich Americans, and I tell ya, they’re like Chinese! Wonderful, but after a certain time, they all look alike.

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Blog 826 – 10 mei 2022
EEN MIDDAGJE STAND-UP

Vandaag had ik een optreden in de middag. Tuurlijk, het kan erger: ’s morgens. En nog hopelozer, ’s morgens voor oudere dames. Ik mag het hier vlekkeloos zeggen, want bij mijn die-hard fans zitten geen senior Eva’s. (Eén uitgezonderd, maar die blijft altijd 31. En ik bedoel jou, Sonja.) Ik neem het die dames niet kwalijk. Er valt niet veel te lachen als al veertig jaar mannen niet meer naar je omkijken. (Oké, en vice versa.)
De stand-up locatie was een middelbare school en ik ging voortreffelijk. Hier een tip voor de toekomst (mijn tips voor het verleden zijn trouwens ook onvergetelijk): wanneer drie mensen tegelijk zeggen dat je zo geweldig was, onderbreek ze niet. Glimlach mild, til je schouders iets op, en knik nét merkbaar.
En dan nu de verrassing, voor ons comedians rond drieën was er niets te drinken. Ik bedoel niet ice-tea of onbekend merk Spa. Ik hoor je denken: ‘Zó, Michel en dan tóch sterk spelen?’ Het omgekeerde gebeurde ook ooit. Jaren terug, ik stap een podium af. Vet applaus en de organisator zei direct: ‘Je was fantastisch! Had je teveel op?’
In die mega-school hadden we een mc, even fris, charmant als onervaren. De eerste comedian wilde hij aankondigen met: ‘This performer smokes a lot of weed’. Goed idee, want zo begreep het publiek waarom die na 4 minuten op zijn spiekbriefje moest kijken. Ik zei tegen de mc: ‘Kondig mij dan aan met: ‘The next comedian also smokes a lot of weed. His favorite brand is Johnny Walker’. Half uur later, ik stond in de startblokken en hoorde me geïntroduceerd worden met: ‘The following comedian also smokes lots of weed, and he drinks Johnny Walker’.

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Blog 825 – 9 mei 2022
‘T HARDE LEVEN VAN EEN COMEDY GIDS

Drie weken terug, ik toer door Den Haag met 41 bejaarde Duitsers. Zeg het maar: ‘Je had een click?’ Ik drop ze bij de bus. Ze vertrekken. Een kwartier later belt de chauffeur: ‘We missen er 2’. Dus al drie weken doolt een stel senior Duitsers door de regentenstad. Maar geen probleem! Niemand heeft ze geclaimd.
Kan gebeuren. Dan dit. Een onduidelijke gast staat ineens naast mijn groep. De aandacht van iedereen is volkomen afgeleid. Hij zegt: ‘Shit happens’. Ik antwoord: ‘That’s what your father said when you were born’. En weg is hij.
En je kunt altijd blijven leren. Een keer, vlak voor mijn groep en mij, rolden twee gasten vechtend uit een café. Klappen over en weer. Ineens staat een kleurling van een kop groter tussen hen. Met één hand in zijn zak vraagt hij relaxed: ‘Jongens, wat is dit?’ En alles was voorbij. Ik dacht: ‘Die moet ik onthouden!’ En laatst sta ik zelf voor een agressieve landgenoot. Met een hand in een zak informeer ik casual: ‘Jongen, wat is dit?’ Als ik daarna mijn ogen open doe, lig ik op in operatietafel en een chirurg vraagt: ‘Meneer, wat was dit?’

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Blog 824 – Mai 8, 2022
INSTAGRAM FUN

A selection of my latest posts on Instagram:

– CNN+, the streaming channel officially dead. Let me guess, CNN blames it on Putin?
– In Le Monde, “Can Macron unite France?” Every 8 years: same headline, different name…
– Russia deploys trained dolphins at Black naval base. They’re amazing at ducking for Javelin rockets!
– Millions of tonnes of grain stuck in Ukraine. Another though blow for Russia: no more croissants!
– Comedian Dave Chappelle attacked by man with replica gun. Ain’t no heckling like US heckling!
– US cave figures, app. 1,000 years old, found in Alabama. You mean: from the days abortion was still legal!?
– Italian resort counts cost as Russian visits dry up. What’s Italian for, “It’s nothing personal, it’s only Putin…” ?
– Man with transplanted pig’s heart dies of pigs virus. Besides that, he totally lost his table manners.

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Blog 823– Mai 6, 2022
COMIC INTERNATIONAL DIALOGUE

Last week I met this wonderful couple from Houston. We walked through Amsterdam at King’s day… This means:
– they love Amsterdam, no matter how crazy it is,
– they are above average courageous,
– they have a ridiculous confidence in me as a city guide.
Anyway, the two of them love comedy. So we had a ‘click’. They’re on a boat trip now down the Rhine. A local tour guide explained the cruise tourists while passing by a German cemetery, in Germany you ‘rent’ a grave for ten years. When you do not prolong this, remaining bones will be put in a mass grave. The visitors from the New World were shocked! It inspired my friend from Houston to some fine jokes. He mailed them to me. Such as these:
– This sign above the cemetery should read, “Just passing through”.
– You’d like to stay here forever? Well, that’s a grave matter!
– A resident said to her husband in the next grave, “We get flowers and the Jews don’t, but then… they get to stay.”

And here, how I replied to his mail:
Rental graves for 10 years …
– German dogs are the most patient in the world. They wait 10 years for bones!
– Germans are efficient! In 10 years, a Kraut is decomposed!
– Finally, we know what happened to Hitler! He was dug up in ’55!

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Blog 822– 5 mei 2022
KOPPENSNELLEN

Het zijn me tijden! Van de krantenkoppen krijg ik spontaan hersenvliesontsteking. ‘With all due respect’ natuurlijk. We lopen ze na:

– Oekraïne: eerste kanonnen VS schieten al.
Eerste keer in de wereldgeschiedenis dat VS-wapentuig op de Russen schiet? Ik zie voor Zelesky er een Nobelprijsje aankomen!
– WHO schat in 2020 en 2021 bijna 15 miljoen coronadoden.
Maar het spijt de Chinezen echt enorm! Ze doen net alsof het bij hun nog niet voorbij is.
– Volkskrant zoekt freelance fotoredacteur (oké, geen krantenkop, maar ik kwam ’t tegen.) 
Da’s zo’n type dat de hele dag zegt: ‘Ik zou dit zó anders gedaan hebben, als ik kon Photoshoppen!’
– Bevrijdingsfestivals stomen vol. 
Bij de gasten zijn ook Oekraïners. Een festivalganger zei: ‘Super om mensen erbij te hebben voor wie zo’n feest écht iets betekent!’
– Saudi Arabiësche prins steunt Musk’s aankoop van Twitter.
Tuurlijk! De elite in Saudi-Arabië was altijd voor vrije meningsuiting!
– Abortuspillen worden het helemaal in de VS!
Zo gaat dat in Amerika. Als gezond verstand verzaakt, grijp naar ‘n pil!
– Enige negenling ter wereld viert eerste verjaardag.
De trotse vader loopt binnen met de verkoop van zijn sperma op eBay.

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Blog 821– Mai 4, 2022
DEAD MAN’S GOLD

I got two golden teeth. In a drawer. It’s a bizarre story. A friend calls me. His grandfather died. Now his family is very on the money. You won’t believe it. They give workshops to Jews. His granddad was going to be buried, and the family decided, “He’s not going down with his golden teeth.” So I have my friend on the phone, and he asks me to come over to pull the old man’s treasures. Nobody in the family wanted to do it. I ask him:
– You want an outsider to do the job? This is Corleone style!
– It’s an emotional thing. You won’t walk away empty-handed.
– How about in every hand a golden tooth? Dead man’s saliva included?
– Fine. I sent you the address. Be there at eight. And bring your toolbox.
– No worries. I bring my rubber boots too.
That evening, my friend opens the door.
– Come in. I’ll show you the way.
– Relax. I can follow my nose.
A minute later, we’re standing each at one side of a bed, with a skinny, dead senior citizen inside. I ask:
– How did he save money for golden teeth? Not eating for sixty years?
– Let’s get this over with. Get your pincers. I’ll open his mouth.
He puts on rubber gloves, the kind made for doing dishes. I say:
– That’s considerate! The old man will go down smelling after lemon.
– Very funny. Damn! He won’t keep it open! Find me something to stick in between.
Quickly I look around, and all I can find is a crucifix hanging above the bed. Now granddad looks like he has a Havana between his back teeth. Gold shines in my face, and my friend says inviting:
– Well, get going!
I stick the pincers in and one by one the family treasures come out.
– This would be só much easier if he was the dentist I had as a kid.
As the last nugget leaves its owner, I can’t help saying:
– You can now rinse.
Then that tooth slips from the pincers and disappears in granddads throat. My friend screams:
– Fuck! You idiot. Can you see it?
– Nope. But don’t worry. I got a plan.
Seconds later, we both are holding one of the old man’s ankles in the air and shake like he’s a dusty carpet. The last relic rolls out. I ask:
– You guys got more Goldfingers in the family? I can check my agenda.
– No, but you’ve been a great help. Choose two you like.
As I look at the harvest, my partner in crime concludes:
– So it ends just like the old man always said, “You can’t take it with you.”

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Blog 820 – Mai 3, 2022
CLEAN UP PARTY GIRL

Do you also have that? You invite people to your party, only because they volunteer to clean up afterwards? It’s mean, but so useful.
I regularly invite this girl. She’s sweet, but her small talk…. She’s starts conversations about the thesis she wrote on syphilis, or the Holocaust. But when she gets into the kitchen, you’d swear she’s German.
For a party, I invited a guy like her. He’s great in putting the trash out. I try to hook them up. They match. He’s the type that asks at four in the morning if there’s mint tea left. And he’s one of those types who try to read your apartment to find out who you are. I prefer dyslexic alcoholics. He saw a poster of Gustaf Klimt I have in my bathroom. He spoke for 45 minutes about an exhibition of Klimt in Vienna. Then I could interrupt and told him the poster was there when I moved in, and I only left it there because I thought Klimt was an Austrian punk band.
One time I hadn’t washed any dishes for three weeks. So I thought, “Let’s ask that girl over for drinks.” She came, I opened a bottle, poured us two glasses and drink very quickly. She drank very quickly, which is a bad sign. People who like you, mimic you. Actually, that’s the only joke she knows. She says she likes herself because her reflection in the mirror mimics her. The glasses were empty, and I said, “That was nice wine. There’s the kitchen.” She got started and from a distance it sounded amazing. She was humming the overture of the first Superman movie. I went to bed. In the middle of the night, I woke up, she was laying next to me. Smiling and anticipating on a physical Thank-you. I told you she was sweet, so my empathic side thought: why not? But I didn’t get consent from my abusive side. And the only thing I could come up with was asking her, “Read some good Holocaust books lately?” She had. Her summary lasted until after lunch. I got out under having to have sex, and now I know 6 million names and addresses.

Like this style of stand-up? Check out comedian Sam Morrill!

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Blog 819 – 28 April 2022
PINDAKAAS EN SALAMI

In de trein naar Schiphol tegenover me twee Italiaanses. De dame links pakt een sandwich met – geloof het of niet – pindakaas. Ze tilt de bovenste snee op en werpt een blik naar binnen. Tja, moet je nooit doen. Het is als kijken naar een schoenzool met hondenpoep. Een landgenoot naast me zie ik gewoon denken: ‘Pindakaas in de trein eten, fucking asociaal!’ De Italiaanse rechts begint aan een sandwich salami. Nu schat ik die gast aan mijn zijde in voor buitenhuiselijk geweld. We kijken elkaar aan en ik trek een gezicht van: ‘Het zijn toeristen! We verdienen eraan’. Zijn uitdrukking blijft strak, maar ik hoor het geluid van een volwassen wind. Met hem kijk ik naar de dames en die stralen iets uit van: ‘Wat is dit voor land?’ De twee maken oogcontact en hun conclusie laat zich raden: ’Dit is een complot’. Lastig! Hoe zeg je in het Italiaans: ‘Hij liet die wind!’ Mijn buurman werpt me een blik toe van: ‘Wel solidair zijn hé?’ Ik zit klem maar overweeg: ‘Die Sophia Lorens zijn begonnen!’ Ik besluit mee te doen in de strijd tegen pindakaas en salami, en ik schop mijn schoenen uit. Je begrijpt, de sfeer is vrolijker dan in Kiev. Dan rijdt de trein Schiphol binnen en even later zit ik met drie lege stoelen om me heen. Twee verse toeristen uit de VS gaan tegenover me zitten. Onmiddellijk pikken ze een lucht op van pindakaas, salami, poep en sokken. Een trekt een gezicht van: ‘I thought Amsterdam smelled like pot?’ Zijn maat lijkt te denken: ‘Welcome in hippy-heaven: junk food, dirty socks and serious shit!’

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Blog 818 – 25 April 2022
GROOT LEED, KLEIN LEED

Oekraïne, tja groot leed. Maar klein leed is ook groot leed. Moet je luisteren. Ik zit in een trein en die is van buiten serieus vies. Dus ik denk: ‘Zou hilarisch zijn aan de buitenkant met je vinger een hele grote penis te tekenen! Moet een reiziger daar de hele reis tegenaan kijken!’ Twee dagen later stap ik in een trein, zo smerig als die vorige, ga op de laatste vrije plek zitten. Ik kijk uit het raam en zie een tekening van een enorme penis. ‘t Houdt je toch een uur bezig.
Maar het kan nog tragischer. Vorige week stap ik in de trein, ga zitten en klap het tafelblad voor me omlaag. Wat ligt daar? Een zonnebril, en geen goedkope. Ik denk: ‘Dan ben je ook een eikel! Bril neerleggen, opklappen en uitstappen. Lekker handig!’
Een uur later stap ik uit en denk nog één keer aan die eikel en zijn bril. Ik voel in mijn jaszak. Waar is m’n mobiel? Die lag op het tafelblad dat ik omhoogklapte!? Als een speer terug naar de nu lege coupé! Op welke van deze 120 stoelen zat ik ook alweer? Eén minuut later: gevonden! Ik haal opgelucht adem. Dan voel ik de trein bewegen en er wordt omgeroepen: ‘Welkom in de intercity terug naar Rotterdam’.

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Blog 817 – April 23, 2022
INSTAGRAM FUN

(Selection of my recent almost daily jokes on Instagram)

– Warhol now more expensive than Picasso
Of course! He put the noses in the right place!
– Sonic pollution harms marine life
Let me guess: fish don’t like 80s rock?
– Harry and Meghan offer ‘olive branch’ in low-key reunion
Queen in response orders Martinis
– Ford Motor Company increasingly focused on electronic driving
That’s like John Wayne becoming transgender.
– Bacteria discovered linked to prostate cancer
So that’s why my prostate smells like yogurt!
– Ex-CIA agent Scheuer defends waterboarding
“To start with, it’s vegan and gluten-free!”
– US states use new ways to attract US tourists
Visit our parks! Enjoy our food! Have an abortion!
– Should Korean K-pop stars be exempted from being drafted?
Why not? The money they made financed half the Korean army!

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Blog 816 – 22 april 2022
SHINING OP DE WALLEN

Ik had het erover dat ‘De Bijl’ uit de film The Shining geveild werd. (Wie de film niet zag: sla deze alinea maar over.) Vandaag liep ik door de gangen op de achtste verdieping van precies zo’n hotel. Eindeloos, verlaten, beklemmend stil, enkel kunstlicht, en ik ging zoveel hoeken om dat alle vertrouwen op een veilige afloop werd weggevaagd. Plots sta ik opnieuw voor de lift. Alsof je in een labyrint ineens de zon ziet. Er staat een keurige mevrouw. We stappen in. Vriendelijk zegt ze: ‘Good evening,’ en drukt op ‘0’. Ik zeg: ‘For me the seventh floor please’ en voeg toe: ‘It’s just one floor down, so I was looking for the stairs, but couldn’t find them’. Ze antwoordt: ‘Oh yes, the lay-out of this hotel is absolutey spooky’. Seconden later openen de deuren zich. Ik stap uit en zeg nog net: ‘Did you know, this hotel was designed by Stephan King? Have a nice stay!’ De deuren sluiten zich. Je kent me: waar gebeurd!
Morgen loop ik weer toeristen komisch te gidsen over de Wallen in Amsterdam. En vandaag lees ik in de krant: steeds meer winkels verkopen verpakkingsvrij. Ik geloof het zo, maar zeg maar eens tegen een import prostituee: ‘Sorry schat, de trend is verpakkingsvrij, dus voor mij geen condoom!’ Reken dan op een fijn gesprek.

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Blog 815 – 20 april 2022
ADREM ZIJN? OOK JIJ KAN HET!

We zijn het eens! Lees je slogans als ‘Ook jij kan het!’ dan haak je gelijk af. Maar adrem zijn, dat is zo lekker als op Brat Pit lijken. En zeg het maar: ‘Michel, jij bent zo adrem als Macron en je lijkt niet eens op hem’. Helemaal oké! Hier 5 tips wil je zo sterk uit de hoek komen als Will Smith, maar dan verbaal. We hebben het over het televisiedebat vanavond tussen Macron en zijn opponente Le Pen.
– Le Pen: ‘70% van de Fransen gelooft dat hun welvaart de laatste vijf jaar is verminderd’. Macron: ‘En 93% gelooft dat de laatste vijf jaar voorbij zijn’.
– Macron: ‘Ik heb Frankrijk door de covid-crises en oorlog geleid’. Le Pen: ‘Heel Frankrijk liep met een mondkapje, één dag later? Bommen op Kiev!’
– Le Pen: ‘Ik ga voor géén inkomstenbelasting voor iedereen onder de dertig’. Macron: ‘Ik ga voor iedereen onder de 30 een inkomen’.
– Macron: ‘Mevrouw Le Pen accepteerde de annexatie van De Krim!’ Le Pen: ‘Wat wou je dan? Kaviaar uit Slowakije importeren?’
– Le Pen: ‘Ik ben faliekant tegen windmolens’. Macron: ‘Die staan gelijk stil als u gewoon uw snater houdt!’

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Blog 814 – 19 april 2022
lK LACH OM NIET TE HUILEN

Oekraïne! Zoveel als ik huil, blijf ik lachen. Het is het eeuwenoude vak van comedian. We nemen de krantenkoppen door.

– Amsterdam schiet overvol asielcentrum Ter Apel te hulp.
Amsterdam kijkt niet op een paar Oost-Europese vrouwen meer of minder.
– Poetins dochter verbergen vermogen van vader.
Zijn vermogen een oorlog goed in te schatten zou ik ook verbergen.
– Rutte spreekt Zielinsky: ‘Jullie krijgen zwaarder materieel’.
‘In plaats van stroopwafels, sturen we nu Kapsalon.’
– VS weet niet wat met wapens gebeurt die zij stuurt.
Die gasten controleren gewoon eBay niet!
– Rusland stuurt 20.000 huurlingen naar Donbas regio.
Als die gasten zich in Roebels laten uitbetalen ‘they’re fucked’
– Gevangen genomen Brit spreekt op Russische tv.
Hij moet blij zijn! Dat lukte zelfs Churchill niet!
– Wereldeconomie zal lijden door oorlog in Oekraïne.
OMG! De doemscenario’s over global warming komen niet uit!

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Blog 813 – 18 april 2022
HOLLYWOOD EENMAAL, ANDERMAAL!

Heb je toevallig $100.000 nutteloos rondslingeren? De bijl uit de film The Shining gaat in de veiling. Gadgets, props uit films zijn gewoon cool. Wij voorspellen een hoos aan veilingen. Hier onze Top 10 ‘Hollywood Leftovers om te Veilen‘:

10. Een doos bedorven chocolaatjes (Forrest Gump)
9. Tom’s plateauzolen (Top Gun)
8. Een attachekoffer met een zaklamp (Pulp Fiction)
7. Een geplette muis (The Green Mile)
6. Een opplaktatoeage van een konijn (The Matrix)
5. Een lever in wijnsaus (Hannibal)
4. Het boek ‘Samurai Sword fighting for Real Dummies’ (Kill Bill Vol. I)
3. 237 gebruikte condooms (Brokeback Mountain)
2. Een getraumatiseere lilliputter (The Wolf of Wall Street)
1. Een dode baby (Trainspotting)

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Blog 812 – 17 april 2022
JOHAN & DAVID

De ‘Ronaldo van Betondorp’ zou vandaag 75 geworden zijn. Tuurlijk, Johan Cruijff vergelijken met een Braziliaan met een gereconstrueerd gebit, dat is mesjogge. Maar de tijd schreidt voort. Neem David Bowie. (Geen zorgen, ik ga zo door over Johan.) Je spreekt een groep aan over Bowie en die zegt: ’Was dat niet de eerste bassist van Guns-And-Roses?’ Verwarrend! Afgelopen week stond ik voor een groep Amerikaanse 75+ers. (Zeg het maar: ‘Je voelde je helemaal thuis?’) Ik vroeg: ‘Who remembers David Bowie?’ Het compléte gezelschap knikte: ‘Yes!’ Toch opmerkelijk! Want Bowie was zo Engels als een slecht gebit. Maar we hadden we het over Cruijff.
Die halve Spanjaard was toch de grootste Amsterdamse filosoof sinds Spinoza. Dus daar gaan ze. Welke van deze uitspraken is Cruijffiaans gedachtengoed en welke niet? Een voorbeeldje vooraf. J.C. zei: ‘Elk nadeel heb z’n voordeel’. Moet je nagaan! Hij had ‘t niet eens over het huwelijk! Goed, wat is dus écht Cruijff:
1. Je ken beter je eigen vrouw bedriegen, dan die van een ander.
2. Als je te vroeg bent, ben je niet te laat. En dat is een voordeel.
3. Fouten maken hoort erbij. Wil je winnen, hoor er dus niet bij.
4. Als jij de bal hebt, ga dan niet je nagels vijlen.
5. Domme mensen gaan lachen om je, als jij nóg dommer lijkt.

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Blog 811 – 16 april 2022
ALLES GELOGEN

Op een klein stukje Amsterdam praat ik als ‘comic’ gids tegen de deelnemers aan een ‘Red Light District’-toer. Tussen mij en de toeristen uit alle windstreken is nog geen meter. Ineens staat daar een lange vrouw, jaar of 35, die zegt tot de groep: ‘Alles wat hij zegt, is gelogen’. En ze loopt verder. Direct vul ik aan: ‘Zoals bijvoorbeeld dat jij mooi bent’. Mijn buitenlanders begrijpen er niets van.
Dan verschijnt voor me een man, gauw een kop groter. Hij kijkt me tamelijk ongezellig aan en vraagt: ‘Wat zei je over mijn vrouw?’ Ik antwoord: ‘Dat ze mooi is, heb je dat niet gehoord?’ Een moment staat hij te denken, en ik vraag me af zo dadelijk in het VU- of het Antoni van Leeuwenhoek-ziekenhuis lig.
Maar hij wordt meegetrokken door zijn ega die roept: ‘We hebben te veel gedronken’. En weg zijn ze. De toergasten staan erbij alsof ze net een episode van The Sopranos hebben meegemaakt. Ik zeg hen geruststellend: ‘If this was Berlin, I’d say “It’s Berlin!” Je ziet het aankomen. Een Amerikaanse zegt: ‘But this is Amsterdam’. Gemoedelijk kijk ik haar aan. De groep wacht op mijn antwoord, blij niet in mij schoenen te staan. Dan zeg ik: ‘So when the captain of your flight said: “We’ll be landing in Amsterdam,” you believed him?’ Nou ja, dat zei ik natuurlijk niet. Ze hebben ons toch bevrijd in ‘45. En dus is er voor altijd die traumatische goodwill.

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Blog 810 – April 15, 2022
KEBAB & MICHAEL JACKSON

Today the newspaper was worth reading. Like: Sonic pollution hurts marine life. Let me guess: fish hate 80s rock?
It gets more bizarre: Kebab sent into space. Is that supposed to present human civilization to the big out there? Suppose two aliens eat it and say to each other, “Where the fuck is this from? That planet is off our bucket list! Tried that garlic sauce? Let’s forget about that whole Milky Way.”
30 years ago, they sent musical records along with a satellite. I just see it happening a higher intelligence than ours lands here, saying, “Guys, we caught your satellite. Really, that Michael Jackson, he’s far out.” And we answer, “Well, Michael got himself into this situation with children.” Then it appears those aliens are still in a sort of sixties vibe of “It’s OK to fondle kids as long as both of you like incense.” We learn multiple distant galaxies are practicing the Moonwalk. So here’s the dilemma: should we give up the chance to become bros with outer space, out of respect for disrespectful treated children’s asses? A logic question, but I loose your sympathy. Fine, just one more question. What harm could Michael have done to these kids? You know what they say about the size of a man’s nose? That means Michael’s dick was plastic and cute. In other words, a kids toy. I rest my case.

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Blog 809 – 14 april 2022
PAK DIE KANS!

Laat geen kans voorbij gaan mensen blij te maken met een kwinkslag. Drie voorbeelden uit mijn laatste 48 uur.
In Delft stap ik het Vermeermuseum binnen. Een mevrouw aan de kassa zegt: ‘Boven is een tentoonstelling over de liefdesthema’s in het werk van de schilder’. Ik antwoord: ’Leuk, maar ik heb niets met liefde. Ik ben getrouwd’. Gaaf museum trouwens.
Andere vraag: kijk je wel eens porno? Natuurlijk niet, maar je kent de categorie ‘Het sollicitatiegesprek’? Een skai bank, een laag glazen tafeltje ervoor. Een jonge vrouw gaat zitten. Dialoog in iets Oost-Europees en 20 minuten later zit haar gezicht onder de yoghurt. Hoe kom ik hierop? Vanmorgen had ik een kennismakingsgesprek bij een bedrijf. ‘Ga zitten’, zegt de amicale baas. Hij wijst op een niet echt leren bank met een lage glazen tafel ervoor. Je kent me, dus ik zei ogenblikkelijk: ‘Dit soort banken ik uit Russische porno’. Terwijl hij automatenkoffie haalt, denk ik: ‘Misschien zo meteen een complimentje maken over zijn IKEA-fotolijstjes?’
Gisteravond, Amsterdam, ik gids toeristen op de Wallen. Ze staan met hun rug naar een pand op de Zeedijk. Ik vertel net dat een bezoekje aan zo’n Oost-Europese 20 minuten mag duren. Een voordeur gaat open. Een alleronschuldigst meisje stapt naar buiten en staat midden in onze groep. Ze kijkt me verrast aan en vraagt: ‘Kan ik iets voor je doen?’ Ik zeg: ‘Als je 20 minuten hebt…’
Tenslotte de beste grap van de dag. Niet van mij, maar dat had je al geraden. In Delft dus, toer ik 2 Amerikanen en zeg dat Nederland gigantisch veel koeien heeft. ‘We export huge amouths of bacon to Denmark and Germany!’ Een dame uit North-Carolina zegt: ‘Bacon is from pigs, not from cows’. En als je dat niet grappig vindt, ga dan maar terug naar je skai bank!

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Blog 808 – April 13, 2022
BEETHOVEN AND ROACHES

A lady calls me from New York. She and her partner are coming to Holland. I’ll be their tour guide in Rotterdam and I say, “You can recognize me from the white umbrella, and secondly I’m totally gorgeous.” She laughs. I ask, “Why you think that’s a joke?”
Yesterday I told you, my family will visit the Big Apple. I’m not into horror, but reviews of “affordable” hotels come close. When you Google for “cheap” hotels, the reviews probably count as “crimes against humanity.” My son did some research and he‘s opting for a NY Hilton. I had him read experiences with hostels, like, “Three cockroaches in my room! I love animals, but they were sent by ISAS.” Now in New York, even in the Hilton, there are roaches. But don’t worry. If you find yourself in a plush hotel with three of those creatures, the four of you can play bridge.
While on this subject, when I lived in New York, I went to a piano recital. Yes, this is way before I gave up the idea of becoming sophisticated. Someone gave me a ticket. Front row. The floor of the stage was at eye level. The pianist was plowing through Beethoven, when from between of the curtains walked up a cockroach. He (let’s go for a male version, OK?) strolled direction piano. Ludwig’s music gave the “Enter Stage” something of “Schindler’s List.” Inconspicuously, I turned my head, to see if I was the only one watching the event turn into a “Moonlight Sonata with Mystery Guest.” And yes, all 3-4 first rows were totally distracted by the beast in a “New York State of Mind.” We saw it leave the stage, and what do you do? We applauded. The pianist looked up shocked and said, “Excuse me! I have 7 more minutes to go!” From Row 3, a man shouted, “Take your time! Your partner is already at the bar.”

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Blog 807 – April 12, 2022
SPRING IN NEW YORK

My son, I told you he’s 18, for the spring holiday, he focuses on New York. I asked him, “What’s wrong with a family Park in Limburg?” He answered me, “Bloody f***ing everything!” So he researched flights and hotels in the Big Apple. Then today there was a shooting in the New York subway. I asked, “How does that fit in your plans?” He said, “I wasn’t asked to check subways.”
You gotta know, he never earned a cent in his life, and now he was suggesting the Hilton or Marriott Hotel? So I informed, “Do you understand the concept of a family budget?” He replied, “Sure, it means spending your parent’s money before it goes to a five-star home for the elderly.”
Anyway, I have an acquaintance in Manhattan, whom I can ask about affordable accommodation. He might suggest something like Philadelphia. But watch this, in 1985, I flew to New York, just graduated, and he suggested the YMCA. l landed, took the subway to Manhattan, and checked in at a YMCA. It was a deception. I went to a communal shower facility, feeling assured of challenging encounters with men, who like me appreciate hot water and a good conversation. I stood with a bar of soap in my hand for two hours. Nobody showed up. The next day I called my parents and told them during the first 12 hours after my arrival, I still hadn’t contacted Aids. They were só proud of me.
Back to 2022, we still have to work out our holiday in New York. Thanks for your well-meant sympathy!

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Blog 806 – April 11, 2022
INTERNET FUN

Best of recent jokes posted on Instagram

– New non-dairy milks can also be used in cocktails
Great! Today, you can’t really order a White Russian!
– China: millions remain in covid lockdown
This is the West’s revenge! Not telling China covid is over!
– Hungary’s Orbán wins fourth term as prime minister
He’s amazing! He knew he’d win weeks before the election!
– Ukraine war: the world is running out of sunflower oil!
I bet Putin has shares in the Air Fryer industry!
– Microplastics found in lungs of living people
What do you think? Next thing they check is testicles?
– US: people in homes with handguns more likely to be killed
This news makes the day for the 500,000 homeless!
– Prado Museum presents Brueghel painting with smells
Holland tried that with Van Gogh, but he didn’t use deodorant…
– San Marino has world’s first openly gay head of state
His first law he imposes will be that men must dress well.

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Blog 805 – ‘9’ april 2022
BESTE GRAP VAN DE DAG

[ Sinds 8 november 2020 plaatste ik elke dag een blog, ook tijdens mijn vakantie. Nu ligt mijn internet eruit. Dus vandaag geplaatst de blog van zaterdagavond laat en vandaag geen. Enjoy! ]
Sorry dat ik het me vanavond makkelijk maak. Ik deed van 10:30 tot 22:15 vier toers als stadsgids in drie steden. Hier is de beste grap van de dag! (De deelneemster die ‘m maakte, schoot ervan zelf zo in de lach, dat de groep bezorgd vroeg of het wel ging.) In Delft liep ik met een echte ‘toergidsparaplu’. Toen naar Amsterdam, waar op de Wallen gidsen eigenlijk verboden is. Je moet er niet lopen met zo’n plu! Ik had hem dus ingepakt in een vuilniszak. Om de deelnemers te informeren over het verbod, begon ik zo: ‘Waarom zit deze paraplu in plastic?’ Onmiddellijk zei een vrouw: ‘Zodat hij in de regen niet nat wordt’. De hele groep ging plat en als comedian denk je: ‘Daar kom ik niet overheen!’ Maar je hebt er een classic bij om met plezier te citeren!

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Blog 804 – 8 april 2022
BERN & BOMBAI

Ik vroeg die jongen waar hij vandaan komt. ‘Bern,’ zei hij. ‘Bern?’ antwoordde ik, ‘Daar was ik in 1968. Ik liep jullie beroemde tweedaagse wandeltocht’. Hij aarzelde een moment en zei: ‘Dat deed mijn grootvader ook’. Ik dacht: ‘Gezellig om te horen’. Ik sloeg terug en vroeg de toerist: ‘Werkelijk? En wat deed je grootpa verder in het leven? Koekoeksklokken afstoffen? Contraspionage bij de Zwitserse marine?‘ Bern Junior was niet geamuseerd en repliceerde: ‘Hij werkte bij een bank’. Het verbaasde me niet. In Zwitserland werk je bij een bank of je melkt chocolademelk uit bergkoeien. Er kwam een spitse tegenvraag aan en daar had ik alle begrip voor. ‘Wat deed uw opa dan?‘ Hij had een punt! Ik zei ‘Je mag kiezen. Eén grootvader van me zat in Nazi concentratiekamp, en een ander vocht met de Waffen SS tegen de Russen’. (Diversiteit! Daar gaat het om bij ons in de familie!)
Even tussendoor, Zwitserland vind ik geweldig! Je mag er bijvoorbeeld wel hasj bezitten, maar niet genieten. Vat je ‘m? Wel bezitten, niet genieten. Zo kijkt Ethiopië aan tegen clitorissen.
Uiteindelijk werd het praatje met die Zwitser naast me in de intercity best leuk. Hij kon zelfs lachen om mijn anekdote hoe deze treinreis voor me begonnen was. Ik stond te wachten voor de toilet. Een jonge Indische gast stapt uit. Hij zegt met een vet Indisch accent: ‘Watch out! This toilet is very dirty!’ Ik werp een blik naar binnen. Tikkie onfris, maar meer niet. Ik kijk mijn Indische vriend aan en zeg: ‘So, this is what you call dirty? Come on! You’re from India!’

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Blog 803 – 7 april 2022
IK SNAP HET HÉLEMAAL!

Een misverstand sluipt zó in een lettergreep. Maar je begrijpt stukken beter wat er zich afspeelt met onze Top Tien ‘Ik snap hélemaal wat je bedoelt!’

– Hugo de Jonge over het mondkapjes-soap: ‘Ik stond er wel achter, maar ik was er niet bij’.
De oppositie: ‘Oké, u zat er bovenop, maar dan tussen de coulissen!’
– Den Haag: ‘Meer geregistreerde Oekraïners dan wat in opvang zit’.
De pers: ‘Kortom, met 1400 man in een sporthal slapen is niet leuk.’
– Putin: ‘We gaan Nazi’s in Oekraïne bestrijden’.
Het Russisch leger: ‘Aha! Net als Duitsland ’45: verkrachten en plunderen!’
– VN: ‘Rusland tijdelijk geen lid van mensenrechtenraad’.
Russische delegatie: ‘Als we akkoord zijn, krijgen we dan onze jachten terug?’
– Classic band Pink Floyd: ‘We laten ons horen voor Oekraïne!’
Rolling Stone Magazine: ‘Tof, om te zorgen dat je ‘t zelf óók hoort: zet je gehoorapparaat harder!’
– Oekraïne tegen de NATO: ‘Donbas slagveld wordt als WOII’.
Hollywood: ‘Prima, we hebben Tom Hanks al geboekt’.
– Egypte: ‘Door Oekraïne dreigt hier een hongersnood’.
Rusland: ‘Wees gerust, wij hebben hier een export overschot kaviaar!’
– Burgemeester Hong Kong: ‘Europa is wat afgeleid, maar hier stapelen de omikron doden zich op!’
CCN: ‘Hong Kong Vreest Dip in Toerisme’.

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Blog 802 – 6 april 2022
ONDERGOED EN DE DOOD

Wat nou weer in de krant! Een reclamefoto van 324 miljoen? Nee, het is niet de foto van Zelinsky die hoorde dat Rusland binnenviel en uitriep: ‘Toen ik zei ’Oekraïne moet bij de NAVO’, dat was maar een stand-up grap!’ Die foto was reclame voor ondergoed. Vier topmodellen met een straatwaarde van 324 miljoen. (We hebben het over euro’s. Anders was het 80 miljard roebel.) Ik zie de foto en denk: ‘Gemiste kans! Voor € 324.000.001 – één eurootje meer – had ik ertussen gestaan in mijn slip’. Wees gerust! Het zou geen MeToo zijn. Die dames blijf ik af. Ze zijn 12+! De fotograaf merkte op: ‘Die vrouwen hebben eindeloos lange benen’. Tja, dat heet dan aantrekkelijk, maar als je je als vent daarlangs omhoogwerkt, kom je nooit aan.
En dan dit, schrijver & vertaler Jan Rot zegt optredens af. Hij heeft nog maar ‘een paar weken te leven’. Als stand-up comedian zeg ik: doorspelen! Wie wil op een hoofdkussen sterven? Nee, op het podium! Aan je bed zeggen de aanwezigen: ‘We houden van je!’ Op de planken is het: ‘Hallo! We hebben € 17,50 betaald en verwachten iets om te lachen!’ Je houdt je aan de microfoon overeind en doet nog één keer of je in de verblindende spotlight de zaal kan zien. Dan vraag je: ‘Als je over 40 jaar terugkijkt naar deze tijd – pandemie, oorlog, global warming – dan denk je: ‘2022? De NS lag een héle dag plat!’

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Blog 801 – April 5, 2022
FACTS AND ASSUMPTIONS

Today’s New York Times provides the facts. Yours truly assumes.

Fact: Ukraine war: The world is running out of sunflower oil!
Assumption: Putin has shares in the Air Fryer industry.
F: Europe proposes ban on Russian Coal.
A: What an opportunistic way to fight global warming!
F: US economy is booming!
A: Uncle Sam loves war in Europe.
F: Zelensky tells U.N. the world now sees Russia’s brutality.
A: That’s one comedian who kept his eyes shut until “now”.
F: Germany is too dependent on Russia’s oil.
A: They’d be better off if they’d taken the Caucasus oil fields in 1943!

And on the lighter side:
F: Some have better sex when using cannabis!
A: Most using cannabis sleep during sex.
F: The Grammy for Louis C.K. questioned.
A: For all comes an age, you leave masturbation behind.
F: Shanghai: if all are covid positive, families can stay together.
A: What is this? An incentive?
F: No one is too old to wear a jeans’ jacket!
A: Sure, but I do not want to be the model to prove that.

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